Can't Afford To Lose Another Second With You (Scömìche)

Nothing To Fix

"How was prom?"

I startled when my mom spoke up but mentally slapped myself for doing so.

"Good." I said simply. Why do you care?

"Did you have fun?"

I couldn't help but think she had a plan in the back of her mind. She wasn't one to just care about me all of a sudden.

"Yes, it was fun."

I wanted to know why she was asking but I didn't dare to question her. I knew if I did it was going to end in a fight and I couldn't use that right now. Not after prom, not after tonight. I felt the ring on my finger, suppressing a smile because I didn't want her to question my facial expressions. She wasn't supposed to know because deep inside I knew that she'd desperately try to find a way to break us apart. Although I loved Scott from the bottom of my heart, deeply, passionately, I knew that I shouldn't underestimate my parents. The thought made me sad, but I didn't want her to have the satisfaction to see me cry.

"Where were you last night, anyway? I thought we'd made an agreement." She raised her eyebrows as if she was challenging me. For a moment I felt panicky, not knowing what to say but then I settled for an easy way out.

"I was here," I lied, furrowing my brows in an attempt to look more convincing. "I just went out this morning to get some... stationery. I ran out of paper."

"Why are you wearing last night's clothes, then?"

Fuck. I hadn't thought that through.

"I- I like this d-top. Don't you think it suits me?" I motioned to my garment, trying to hide the fact that it was a dress. It had worked at prom so why not try here, too?

"It's pretty," she just said and I let out a deep breath I'd been holding, relieved. "But... It seems like it's meant for women?" She came closer and touched the fabric, frowning.

"It's not," I lied, again. I obviously had more knowledge about fashion so she just had to believe me. Right? "I found it in the men's section."

Thankfully, she just shrugged and didn't question it further. I was going to move pretty soon, and I couldn't help but feel at least a bit excited. I knew I'd be the happiest person in the world right now if it wasn't for Scott. I don't mean that he's making me unhappy, that's pretty much the opposite of what he does, but... Moving now didn't only mean leaving my family. It also meant leaving him, the only person who was able to understand me and the only person who loved me. I was so lucky to have met him.

"So, Mitchell?"

I had expected our short conversation to be over, but judging by the smile on my mother's face she still had to put her plan into action. She actually had the nerve to smile at me. I shot back a fake smile, knowing she was the last person to ever willingly give me any kind of nice facial expression.

"What College have you chosen? We told you, we'd really appreciate it if you went to the University of Dallas. Dad and I met there, and even your grandparents already attended this school."

"So?" I asked, annoyed. "What do you want me to study?"

"You could study the law like Dad did-"

"I don't want to study the law!"

Mom looked surprised at my heated answer, but I didn't let her control me like that. She wanted me to go to fucking UD, she wanted me to study the fucking law. What do you want me to say, mom? Yes, of course I am because I am such a good son? Never.

"There are a lot of other branches," she simply replied. "You're graduating in a few weeks. We weren't there when you had to send in your applications, where did you apply?"

"Milan."

My mom's eyes widened. "M-Milan? As in Milan, Italy?"

I nodded simply. I wasn't even lying. I had sent my application to a fashion school and even got accepted, but I had decided not to go there. I mean, sure, Milan - the fashion capital, but I was eighteen. I surely didn't have the guts to move to a different continent at only eighteen, leaving behind all that ever mattered to me: my best friend, boyfriend, the only person that could ever understand me. The ring on my hand suddenly felt heavy and I caught myself wishing I had applied to USC instead of Art Academy.

"You're not moving to Milan!" She said strictly, and damn, if that didn't make me kind of wish I had accepted, just to not give her the satisfaction. But I shook my head instead.

"I'm not. I mean I got accepted, but... I guess I'll have to stay in the States for a little longer."

"So where are you going?"

"California. San Francisco." I raised my eyebrows, kind of to make her feel like I was challenging her. "Academy of Art is one of the greatest fashion schools in the world. They design clothes for the Fashion Week-"

"I don't give a damn about the Fashion Week! Who do you think you are to sign up for an expensive college for a branch with no future! Have you looked at your drawings? You are not going to become a designer, forget about that."

Her face was red again as her words stabbed me right into my heart. But I faked a smile, knowing better. My art was good. Good enough they actually considered me being a part of the New York Fashion Week! They had accepted me because they thought my work was good. Nevertheless, it still hurt hearing my mother say that to me.

I faked another smile, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "I got accepted at one of the best art schools in the world, if you didn't catch that," I simply retorted, forcing a calm voice. "Besides," I added, close to breaking my calmness, "why do I feel like part of you wants me to go to UD just because it's a Catholic school? Do you think they could fix me, mom? Newsflash, there's nothing to fix!"

"Don't say that." Her voice was an angry whisper now and she covered her mouth with her hands as if she was about to puke. "Don't lie to yourself."

I huffed. "Lie? What do you mean, lie? Do you really think you could make me believe there was something wrong with me? Do you want me to die? I was close to it, remember? And you didn't care!"

"Oh, I did care!"

"You visited once! I was there for two fucking weeks! Two fucking weeks, mom, in which you just sat on the couch at home doing absolutely nothing and didn't even think about me. Do you know whose fault it was that I fucking tried to-" My throat tightened at the memories, but I didn't want to give my mother the pleasure to see me cry. I needed to get my shit together. After this fight was over, I could cry as much as I wanted, but not right now, not in front of this woman. "You just came to tell me I'd go to Hell."

"You," she said through gritted teeth, "You are a disgrace to our family."

"I wouldn't want to be anything else. I don't wanna have anything to do with this family anymore. As soon as I move I'm gonna change my fucking last name. Maybe I'll get married, who knows."

"What girl would want you?" She huffed.

"Well I damn well hope no girl's gonna want me."

"Oh, you're not getting married to a boy, you fag! When I thought you couldn't be a bigger family disappointment you pull this?!"

"Mother, Nel, Mrs Grassi, one, of fucking course I'm getting married to a boy whether you like it or not, two, it's legal to get married and you can't do anything about that. It's not like you'll know where I'll live anyway."

I kind of wished to have the ring on my middle finger so I could flash it at her right now, but I restrained myself. I would regret it as soon as it happened. Just a few more weeks, then you're out of this hole, I told myself.