Can't Afford To Lose Another Second With You (Scömìche)

The In-Between Part 1

A/N: Trigger warning: suicide mention

It was a surprisingly warm day for the middle of January when I was released from the hospital. There was still snow on the ground but it was slowly starting to melt away and turn into puddles of mud and honestly, it was gross, but the flowers breaking through the cold earth made it worth it.

I had to go back to school, though, which made everything so much worse at the same time.

Scott and I still saw each other, but not outside of school. He still stood up for me when the whole football team decided to spread the rumor that I was wearing bandages because I was beaten up because I was gay, but hey, I learned to live with that by now. It really wasn't anything worth listening to. And secretly, I was a bit proud of that achievement. Though, Scott still insisted on stepping in every time he noticed someone was being rude to me just because he's too good.

He's too good. He's everything I want to be. And he's everything I'll never be.

Finals were creeping up and thankfully, that took my mind off of some of my problems. I had to study a lot so that meant spending most of my days at the library and not at home and to be honest, that was just fine with me. But maybe I also enjoyed it because that was one of the only times I got to see Scott besides at school. But I was scared to think that. I was scared because I know where these kinds of thoughts had brought me before. And I didn't trust myself just yet. I didn't know what I was capable of and I was absolutely not willing to find out.

Not that I was denying that I missed Scott, because that was out of the question- of course I missed him. He was my best friend, after all. He had been. Until he found out what a bad person I was.

We still talked, don't get me wrong. But it was mostly just Scott worrying about me and asking me how I was, reminding me not to lie when I told him I was okay.

Was I okay? I don't know.

I don't think so.

But I was definitely getting there.

Healing is a long process. It takes time. Sometimes, when you heal, you think you're okay. You might be. But the next second you break down again, wondering if you've ever really been okay in your life.

Scott convinced me to see a therapist, and honestly, I was kind of happy he did. She helped me a lot, especially in terms of honesty. She wants me to keep a diary and regularly write down exactly what I feel and be a hundred percent honest about it. No one's ever going to see it, so why hide your feelings? she said to make me do it and so I did.

About my parents? They had been shocked. Kind of. When they had heard I had tried to kill myself, I mean. They even came to visit me once, reminding me how much of a sinner I was and that I would burn in Hell when I would actually die. Nice, comforting words from your loved ones, that is.

But no-

Let's be honest for real, now.

I felt like shit. I had hurt my best friend, broken his heart, then tried to kill myself and ended up in a hospital instead. Everyone was expecting me to be better but how could you be okay if your guilt was eating you alive? I would be lying if I said that I hadn't considered committing suicide again, but I didn't. I had made a promise to Scott, and even if that promise was the only thing keeping me alive at the moment, it was worth it. Because deep down, I knew it was wrong. I remembered the seconds after the jump. When my life flashed in front of my eyes and I suddenly didn't want to die anymore.

I couldn't look into his eyes anymore. Those beautiful, blue eyes that haunted me in my dreams. I couldn't just be near him for more than five minutes because my heart couldn't take it. I had made it. I had broken someone for good. I was the same monster that I had been running away from for all these years.

I didn't know if Scott ever wanted to hang out with me again, I doubted he ever wanted to see me again. But he still smiled when I said hi to him in the school hallway. He still smiled when I asked him how he was. He still smiled when I said it was one of my better days. But I knew that smile- it was the same one I saw everyday when I looked into the mirror.