Can't Afford To Lose Another Second With You (Scömìche)

Happy ?

"I don't think this is a good idea..." I muttered under my breath, hoping she wouldn't hear me. But of course, she did.

"Mitch, take a deep breath, okay?" Mrs. Clarke told me. I nodded and complied, exhaling a shaky breath, scratching some of my already chipped dark navy nail polish off.

"S- sorry-" I stuttered. "What was the question again?"

My therapist wrote something on her notepad before she looked back at me, repeating the question calmly. "How do you feel about Scott dating Kate?"

I cleared my throat before I spoke. "Great," I replied, not sure if i meant it. I still hadn't met her, so I couldn't be sure she was good enough for Scott. To be quite honest, no one was ever going to be good enough for him. He's too good. "I mean... I'm glad that he's happy," I added. "That's all that matters."

"And how has your relationship changed?" Mrs Clarke eyed me, staring right through me. She could be very intimidating, but if I was being completely honest with myself I needed that to speak at all.

I shrugged. "Our relationship hasn't changed much. They've been going out for three months now, and we're best friends. After the fight back... back then, of course our friendship got a lot stronger. We're best friends."

What scared me the most was that I didn't know if I meant it. I didn't know if I was happy, or sad, or anything at all about the fact that Scott had started dating Kate. It was honestly all a big mess and I have been stuck between the fear of losing him and the constant desire to have something... more special than just being friends. Though it kind of calmed me that Scott and Kate weren't together. They weren't a couple, they had just gone on a few dates, maybe five or six in those three months. That wasn't much, and Scott still seemed insecure about fully committing himself to her. Of course I had tried to reassure him, but some weird part of me didn't want him to date her. I couldn't name what it was, I supposed it was just me being an overly possessive friend.

"Am I selfish?" I asked. Mrs Clarke looked at me.

"Why would you think that?"

"I... don't know if I'm happy... about it. I'm too possessive, I guess. I don't want to share him with anyone else."

"Okay..." She noted something. "Have you talked about this with Scott?"

I shook my head. "No. Why would I, though? It's selfish to think that."

"I understand."

I looked up at her. "Why are you doing that?"

She frowned. "Doing what?"

"You're so detached. Why don't you just tell me I'm being fucking selfish and call it a day?"

"I'm not in the position to tell you if you're being selfish or not," she just replied, closing her notebook and putting it next to her. She folded her hands and leaned forward, looking at me. "I'm just here to hear you out and help you realize where you're at yourself."

"But it's not doing it for me!" I argued. "I can't just talk and then I'll get enlightened or something. That's not how it works."

"Mitch," she began, her voice still unbelievably calm. "I'm here to make you think about things you wouldn't be thinking about otherwise. I ask you questions you wouldn't be asking yourself. I'm not here to judge you."

"Okay..." I tried taking a deep breath to compose myself. "But... Can I ask you a serious question? And can you please, for once, answer? Not as a therapist, but as a friend who genuinely cares about me?"

She nodded and waited for me to speak. I took another deep breath.

"From what I told you, do you think I'm happy? For Scott, I mean? I don't know if I am."

She sighed, finally putting her pen on top of the notebook. "I think you and Scott have a very strong bond," she said.

I shook my head. "You didn't answer my question."

"It's not up to me to decide whether you're happy or not, Mitch. I'd like to believe what my patients tell me, even if they're lying to themselves."

I raised my eyebrows. "You think I'm lying to myself?"

"I think you need some more time to think about everything. Be real to yourself. What do you feel for Scott? Is it friendship? I am positive you love him."

That caught me off-guard.

"L-love? You think- I'm- no, I'm not in love with him."

She shook her head. "That's not what I said, Mitch. I said I think you love him. He's your best friend after all, right? And I think you deeply care about him."

I nodded. "Yeah... Fine, I'll give you that. I do love him," I said. "As a friend."

Mrs Clarke smiled at me. "Good."

I raised my eyebrows. "Good?"

"You're being real. I still think you need some more practice."

"It's a start."

My therapist looked through her notebook, again. "I can't believe we haven't talked about this."

Oh god. What.

"Have you ever been in a sexual relationship with someone?"

"What?" I shook my head. "How does that have to do with... anything?"

"You mentioned something about having been closer to Scott than to regular friends but you never specified."

Oh.

I bit my lip. "Define sexual relationship."

She raised one eyebrow. "Do I need to?"

"Fine, I- we had sex, if you were implying that. But it was a mistake."

She noted my words into her book.

"What about a romantic relationship?"

I shook my head. "It was purely physical."

"Was it a one time thing?"

"It's getting very personal, don't you think?" I countered.

"Mitch, I would like to know as much as I can about your relationship with Scott. I feel like this is one of the main issues we need to focus on."

I sighed. She was my therapist, after all. "We, uh... We had kissed before but we've only slept with each other once."

"Okay." She wrote it down. "I appreciate your honesty, Mitch."

"Yeah..." I muttered.

She closed the notebook and took a look at her watch. "I'm afraid our time is over. I'll see you on Wednesday." She shook my hand as I stood up from the big cuddly sofa.

"Thanks, Mrs Clarke. See you on Wednesday."