Can't Afford To Lose Another Second With You (Scömìche)

Hell on Earth

A/N: Trigger warning: Suicide 
It's not really explicit/violent but it's more the thought process, but if you're uncomfortable/triggered by this I recommend you skip this (and probably the next few) chapters. Either way, thank you for reading my fic, it really means a lot <3

Mitch's POV

I felt dirty.

I felt dirty and cruel and horrible. What if- what if this was it? What if the monsters we desperately try not to become defeat us and we're one of them even before we realize it? Either you die a hero or you live long enough to become the villain. I had definitely lived long enough.

My phone rang but I didn't stop the car to answer. Instead I pressed my foot on the gas and drove way too fast, but I couldn't care less. If I had an accident, I had a bigger chance to die. Which was just perfect.

I was a monster. How could I do this to Scott? The only person in the world who meant something to me? How could I be so heartless and fucking- and actually fuck him? What was I thinking? Especially after he told me he loved me. After I told him I loved him. How could I? I should've stopped it right then and there. I should've been honest for one second. But how can I be honest to my best friend - no, to my fucking boyfriend - if I couldn't even be honest to myself?

I couldn't go back and talk to him. Not after what I had done. I would never be able to look into his eyes again. His beautiful, innocent blue eyes. He didn't deserve this. He was too good. Too good for anyone, really. How could I possibly believe even just for one split of a second that I could be good enough for him?

I couldn't go back. I couldn't look into his eyes and tell him I had been too drunk to think and had made a terrible mistake. I would break his heart and that would be it. I wouldn't be able to live knowing I had broken his heart. I knew if I were to go back, nothing would ever be the same.

Pretending. Pretending to love someone just to make them happy. The thoughts left a bitter aftertaste. Truth is, and it's too late for that, I didn't love Scott. Not in the way I should have.

I stopped the car in the middle of nowhere, near a cliff. Time to say goodbye. I smiled but a tear dripped down my cheek. I wiped it away and took a few steps towards the abyss. I looked down. It was surely a good 30 feet to the streaming water. Water - so cold. It would kill me instantly.

I had made so many mistakes in life, especially now, regarding Scott. I felt like I owed him. I went back to my car, ripped out a page from a notebook and wrote down,

Scott,
I'm sorry for everything. I want you to be happy. You can't be happy with a lying bastard like me. 

Love, 
Mitch

Rereading the note, I decided to cross out a lying bastard, it was the heat of the moment and my uncensored thoughts that made me write it in the first place. But that was what I was. A liar. Someone who broke other people because he hated himself too much.

I glanced at my phone lying still on the passenger seat. I remembered the call earlier. Maybe it was Scott. I wanted his voice to be the last thing I hear before I-

Hey, Mitchy. I'm sorry about this morning, but please, talk to me, honey. I love you. You're my best friend, you're my everything. Please, come back and we can talk about it. Or I'll just wrap you up in a blanket until everything's fine if you don't wanna talk. I'm worried. Don't do anything stupid, okay? Let me know where you are, please-

Scott's voice broke at the last word and I heard a quiet sob, before the message ended with a sharp beep.

More tears streamed down my face and I almost would've sat in the driver's seat and made my way back to him. Almost. Until I remembered that all those words he just said through the voicemail, all of that was now meaningless because he would hate me if he found out the truth.

And that's when I jumped.