otp

acceptance ; kimshi (5 stages of grief pt. 5)

sugawara walked over to the grey tombstone that stood silently on the ground with his dead lover's name engraved on it. slowly, he placed the bouquet of carnations on the ground.

"hey," he said with a small smile as he thought to himself, how pathethic, suga.

"it's been two years since you died," he continued, "at first, i didn't want to accept the fact you were gone. my parents wanted me to see a psychiatrist, but i refused. i got depressed and i closed up to everyone and didn't want to eat much. everyone was worried about me, even tsukishima."

he gave a little laugh, and continued, "eventually, after i graduated and started college, my parents brought me to a psychiatrist as my grades began to drop. she was nice, the psychiatrist, and i began to open up to her. soon, your death didn't affect me as much anymore. but once it came to me that you were going to be a memory, i didn't want that to happen. i didn't want you to be a memory for me to forget. i wanted to remember you forever."

there was a lump at his throat, and he swallowed it before continuing.

"the psychiatrist said that it was going to be fine, and you weren't going to be forgetten. later this year, i met a girl who was your age, and i... i fell in love with her."

he took a breath and said, "i-i'm sorry, i just couldn't help it. i felt it was replacing you, and i didn't want that to happen. the psychiatrist said that some things needed to be let go, and one of those things was you."

tears began to drip onto the ground.

"i don't mean to replace you... but you know what i mean, right?"

he wiped his tears away and said, "she reminded me so much of you. she wanted me to bring her here and see you."

he gave a small, brittle smile and said, "i hope you aren't angry at me."

he added, "if you're wondering, i still go to meet the psychiatrist once a month, just to check up. so don't worry about me."

he let a few tears drop down his face, and he whispered the last few words to her.

"goodbye... my first love."

word count ; 386
date published ; 240417

a/n ; ugh jAM ARE YOU HAPPY YET