Back For You (MayWard) - Completed

e x e g e s i s

I have been contemplating and assessing all areas in my life for the past few days. I learned a lot and might​ as well share a bit of it to you.  I'll tell a few things about myself along the way too.
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Here's the thing.

I had been in a really deep struggle recently​. My depression and anxiety had been creeping off me for a couple of months past before this. It kept on coming back again and again that it started shaking the stillness of my established faith in Christ. During the whole time, I neglected a lot of what the Lord has been telling me to do.

I was living in pain and distress so I had to find avenues that could ease everything else that's been attacking me all at once. I decided to write fanfictions. I've actually been writing for a long time already in pen and paper, not in this type of genre and platform. This Wattpad thing gave me the satisfaction to somehow forget about my internal struggles from time to time from a much newer undertaking.

For the most part, fangirling has really been my constant getaway in all sorts and it happens to be for MayWard since last year.

Starting off, I came up with ideas for 'The Things I Never Said' consisting one shots from Edward's probable point of view. I was encouraged writing full stories too, like this specifically, and even drafted another one.

I felt undeniable pleasure in seeing the view count in every story increase in a day's span. The reads added up to an amount in every update that placed them in charts too - which I loved, so I started creating and updating even more - until I forgot who I really was. I was drawn to that alter ego 'Sisi' being appreciated through the votes and comments. It gave me a world where I was able to socialize and interact with people for some time - while I was just locking up in my room in real life. I was completely all alone but it didn't feel that much.

Everything was surreal until I realized that I wasn't really genuinely happy.

Few days ago, my friend called me up and invited me to travel and go somewhere else far from wherever I was - literally and figuratively. It was a retreat from everything that's keeping me off track, a much needed spiritual upliftment, of which I didn't insist of declining.

I decided to drop everything else -  contacts, social media, usual lifestyle getups - and just be as plain as I could by the time we went in. We travelled long hours to be in that solemn and holy place distantly situated away from all the city scenes and noises.

I've enclosed myself in His presence. I had the whole time to ponder and yes, I surrendered​ it all to Him yet again. I had another revival, just one of the millions of things that I'd always thank God for - that His compassion, grace and mercy for me are new and overflowing every single day.

In that very moment, God opened my eyes. He made me see things clearly from His perspective again. It made me realize, I was blinded by my own selfish desire to get noticed and appreciated of my craft - a craft that solely never was me; it is His gift. I lost track and did all things just for myself - and not for His glory.

With all these revelations I discovered about this misused so-called creativity, I deleted my first book/compilation 'The Things I Never Said' right away. There was no hesitations, not even considering either the thousands and thousands of words I've said or the tiring days and sleepless nights compiling that -  it was still, for me, completely worthless without His consent.

Yes, I enjoyed writing and even enlightening readers about what Edward probably feels - but no, it still wasn't something I'd be 100% proud of. My motives just opposed a lot from my belief. By the way, I also have another MayWard fanfic entitled 'Expectations Vs. Realities'  which I was preparing to publish by part after this, but yeah, I deleted it all as well. Already nonsense for now, but just saying.

With regards to this book, 'Back For You,' I know I said to a few that I already finished writing the story. Yeah I did, but the reason why I haven't updated this for days now is that I also deleted the remaining drafts that would supposedly end at Chapter 40. After deleting however, I somehow thought that this book is the only room left for me to start again for an improvement - a better view, outcome and motivation.

So yeah.

To cut the long story short, I will try my best to finish this book. It could end up differently as I have first planned it. For now, I just don't know yet. I'm working on it.

End point?

Sort yourselves out too. We all go through these different types of struggles and it's completely normal. However, we should never stay and trapped in it. Keep going.

So, are you happy? Are you contented with whatever state your life is right now? Are you fulfilled and satisfied? Figure it out.

If yes​, then good for you. The only thing to do is to never forget to thank God for everything that you ended​ up being in content and happiness with His presence.

If not, then ask for His guidance. Pray and cry out for help for He is the ultimate One you could trust everything with, not just yourself or anybody else. Be revived and  renewed through Him and get back on track. God has much greater​ plans for you than being in just that, wherever you are. It's never too late.
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Thank you so much for taking time to read. I hope it came as a message to you as well. God bless everyone!

Love always,
Sisi. 🌻

If you wanna share your thoughts about anything, maybe regarding this or not, please feel free to leave comments.

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PS. Thanks for all the support you've given 'The Things I Never Said' during its existence. I appreciate that a lot. I do hope for that continued support from that, to this book, and soon enough -- if there'd be future ones. 💋