Kismet (Namjin Mpreg)

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Twenty-Nine:

(Kismet)

Namjoons POV:

"What are you doing here?" Thats the first thing she told me when she saw me. There was no guilt. Nor the guilt that I hoped she had. She sounded angry like if me being here ruined everything. She didnt feel guilty for keeping my child a secret, she only felt guilty that I found out.

If it wasnt for her mother telling me to come inside, those long staring moments would of made me leave, having to start from nothing, no clue of where to start, where to find my son. Hae-won is my access to seeing my kid. She knows where Seokjin is and it is my job to make her tell me.

"What are you doing here?" I feel like an intruder for being at her house, for sleeping in her guest house, invading her personal space where she had every right to keep Seokjins whereabouts a secret, to keep my son a secret. She isnt my friend after all?

Yet, 'What are you doing here?' question is the one thing that made me more uncomfortable. Its not the question per say that got me uncomfortable, it was the way she said it like she didnt want me to be here, like I shouldnt found out.

And why shouldnt be here? Even if she has every right to keep my son a secret, she does not have the right to keep my son a secret any longer. I have every right to know and I shouldnt be mad at for wanting to know. I am not at fault here. Seokjin is.

He took my chance and I still cant get over that. Right now I really hate him. Every time I see him in my mind, every time that I try to relocate our wonderful memories, anger boils inside of me. I try to stop it but I cant help but be mad at him. And I should be. What am I supposed to do? Jump from joy that he took my responsibilities as a father? That I should be happy that he decided my future for me? That I should thank him for giving me a free pass?

No. I wont be happy and joyful. Instead Im furious. I never wanted him to choose all those things for me. He should of never decided that my future as a rapper would be over if he told me I was going to have a kid. He should of never assumed.

I would have been shocked, nevertheless hesitant to believe him but to the point of thinking he ruined my life? NO. Seokjin was the best thing that happened to me. He made me happy. More than just that, he made me believe that I can do the impossible because I had him by my side. Not did I only, figured out my true sexuality, I realized that what I was doing was more than just rebelling, I was rapping because I loved it. Rapping was a way to liberate myself from my problems, my stress, it made me reflect, rant, express my distaste for how society is, for how it make us be like robots who can tell us what to feel, think, decide.

My problem was that I kept both my rapping career at the club and sexuality hidden. I hate to admit that I was afraid. Slowly I was paving out of my cave. Once I was done with college I would tell father. And all too soon was it that told I told him once I met Seokjin.

My father decided things for me and for once I felt liberated from his commands but then it wasnt long before he, too, decided my fate.

So no I cant just be happy because I didnt get the chance of experiencing what could have been my truly happiness. All my life has been a series of people deciding my future, but no more. I am taking charge and I am going to decide whether I want to be in my childs life.

"Are you okay? Your knuckles are looking way too pale. "

"What?" I break away from my trance and look down. And just how she told me, my knuckles were indeed white. I hadnt realized that I was forming a fist or that my fingers were clawing into my skin, red marks appearing close to my thumb.