Kismet (Namjin Mpreg)

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Two:

(Kismet)

Namjoon's POV:

"I've miss you."

Three words. Three foreign words that hold so many different emotions. What I'm I supposed to say to him? That I missed him too? Of course I've missed him. Every single day since he left.

Three words that are familiar to me because I've said it all the time in my dreams. 'I've missed you, Seokjin.' I would say to the thin air, my solidarity choking my existence.

I'm tempted to say those three words back but something in me stops me. Hearing those words make my heart bitter. I wanted them so long but know I don't even want him to say them again.

All I can think of is why. Why are you telling me now? Is that confession going to change anything? Absolutely not. Three words don't change the time. Three words don't change my anger, or even begin to mend it. Three words only make it worse.

Seokjin is silent, his words heavy in the air. My breaths become slow, too hard for me to breath properly. My mouth is open as if I am thinking of what to say. I was going to say you too but I stopped my self.

I gulp, lowering my eyes to my son. Looking at him watching my phone makes it a little bit easier for me to degrade the anger inside of me. "Wae?" I say in Korean because if I say in English it'll be harder to keep my facade, my vulnerability and at this possible moment, I don't want to sound weak. I keep my composure, my eyes still on Seokjoon.

"Why?" Seokjin mimics my question but more hurt, a blow to his own misery. I hate to hear his voice hurt. But he hurt me more and I can't let go of that. He needs to know that what he did hurt me more than anything in this world, more than when my father prohibited me from rapping.

Father's cruel attempt to forbid my passion was cut short. Though he thought he completely forbid me from rapping, I found a loophole where I can do as I say and he wouldn't find out. It didn't hurt as much because despite being forbidden, I still found a way to do rap, in secrecy.

Seokjin's lie, however, was beyond cruel, deceiving to the eye. He kept my son from the truth, from my knowledge and that is worse. I can't get the years that I missed with my son just like I can't get the years I've missed loving my dad. Seokjin took that from me. I really can't forgive him for that.

"What do you think would happen? That I would come running to you and say the same thing because it's not gonna happen." My words cut like ice to his already broken heart. Good. He needs to feel bad for what he did.

"I didn't. I...I.. That wasn't my intention at all." Seokjin stutters trying to find the right words to say to me.

"Then what was? Because you don't say 'I've missed you' to someone whom you decided to leave without an explanation," I tell him, hiding the the pain that is caused by my words.

"I'm sorry." Seokjin looks down in shame. There's a pang in my heart. My words are a sudden nuisance, regret. I meant them when I said them out loud but why I'm I feeling bad for saying them? Why did the question I asked become shame upon remembering them come out of my mouth.

I want to say that I was wrong for saying it harshly. I was so confident with acting like the victim, blaming him for his wrongdoing but now I feel like the bully. I want to apologize. I didn't mean it. Yet I did. I'm so conflicted.

I gulp, the shame printing my cheeks with red. I hesitate a few seconds before I take two steps front. I feel the need to apologize to him. I want him to forgive me for behaving this way.

Seokjin doesn't realize what I'm doing. His eyes are shut, his head plastered on the pillows. I can feel his breaths become slow, a beat to the pace of mine. My shoulders are heavy, the weight of my words becoming daunting and dreading. The shame hanging like a cloud on top of my head, the drops my regrets.