Hopeless

Chapter 40

I wake up to the sound of frantic foot steps running around the house. I look to Daryl at the other side of the bed, but he's gone. I push myself out of bed, groping around the room in the dark. The only light the faint glow of the moonlight seeping in through the window. I make my way out into the hallway, squinting my eyes in the light as they readjust. I grab Jimmy's arm as he rushes past.

"What's goin' on?" I ask him.

"It's Lori...she's missin'."

"What? Where's Rick?" I ask, worry eating away at my stomach.

"They still aren't back..." He answers before taking off outside. I follow after him, joining the rest of the group outside. They should've been back hours ago. I think to myself. What if he's hurt?..Or worse? I shiver.

"She asked Shane to go after them..." I hear Andrea say quietly.

"She must've went after them herself." Cass says quietly.

"Oh god." I say, running a hand through my wavy hair. I hear a small whimper beside me. I turn to see Carl cowering in the shadows behind the rest of us. "Come here buddy." I kneel down in front of him, as he buries his head in my shoulder. His little arms wrap around my neck. "She's gonna be okay you know." He nods gently into me.

"Your momma, she's tough as nails she'll be just fine." Daryl says, placing a hand on my shoulder. Carl smiles weakly before turning and going inside. I stand, my heart aching for him. I see Shane sulking in the dark around the side of the porch. Anger instantly boils inside of me. I run at him, shoving him hard in the chest.

"You did this you selfish son of a bitch! You were too busy licking your wounds to help her and now she's gone! I swear to God Shane if that little boy loses his mother I'll kill you."  I say shoving him again.

"Screw you." He mumbles before trying to walk away.

"No, screw you Shane. You parade around here like you're hot shit, doin whatever the hell you feel like it with no regards to anyone but yourself. Look around you Shane! Look what you've become!"

"You made me this way!" He screams. "Everything I've done..everything I've always done it's all been for you. Don't you see that!?"

"Sleeping with Cass? That was for me?  Unleashing the walking corpse of the little girl I've been searching for for weeks? That was for me? Sending Lori on a suicide mission? That was for me!?" I yell, anger and grief exploding out of me.

"You know I would have never opened that barn if I had known she was in there! I didn't know. And Lori hell she went on her own. She's a grown ass woman I didn't make her do shit. And again with the Cass thing come on. When are you ever gonna let that go?"

"I can't just 'let it go' Shane! You cheated on me. I left here believing you loved me and I came home to you naked with someone else! That's not something you just get over! I loved you, god I loved you so damn much and you threw me away for some chick you just met!" I turn to Cass who is standing a few feet back with the rest of the group, looking amused. "No offense."

"None taken." She replies, almost smiling. I can tell she's enjoying watching me stand up to him.

"I'm so tired of being the sad little girl with the broken heart! I'm worth more than that and I sure as hell deserve better than to sit here and watch you destroy everything I love. Pull your shit together and go find Lori before one of you get seriously hurt." He scoffs, mumbling to himself like a child as he walks away. He gets in his car, slamming the door, then speeds out of the farm. His tires squealing against the pavement as he rips onto the main road. I walk back to the group feeling oddly satisfied with myself. From now on I will not be the sad scared little girl I used to be. No more running away, or forgetting to eat. I will be strong. If not for me than for this baby. We'll survive this evil world, one way or another. Daryl engulfs me in a hug.

"I'm proud of you." He whispers into my hair. I smile to myself. I've stood up to Shane before, but this time was different. It was final. Whatever was there with Shane before is gone...for good. He's changed, we both have. I've excepted that now. I've spent all this time since the outbreak afraid. I learned how to survive, to keep myself alive but there was always that part of me full of panic and fear. I couldn't cope with all the death..all the loss we've all suffered. I kept holding onto the fact that someday things would go back to the way they were before the walkers, but they won't. This is the way things are now I either adapt or I die. I see that now. I can't keep shutting down everytime something bad happens, or letting myself go so far that I'm so weak I pass out. For months I've been neglecting myself but now I finally see. I won't just survive anymore, I'll thrive.