Hopeless

Chapter 57

It's been hours since Rick declared his dictatorship and he still hasn't come back. We're all tired, cold, and hungry, and no one feels even the slightest bit safe. Daryl plops on the ground beside me, his crossbow only inches away. He let's out an exauhsted sigh as he relaxes for the first time all night. I nod a silent thank you to Glenn who took his place standing watch.

"You should rest." I whisper to him, taking his calloused hand in mine.

"What about you, do you want me to take the baby? Have you slept?" He asks me sweetly, as he watches Ella sleeping soundly against my chest.

"I slept in the car, I've got her. You should try to get some sleep while you can." He nods reluctantly. I pat my lap, offering it as a pillow. He lays back, resting his head on my leg. I run my hand gently through his hair as he stares up at the dark sky. I can almost see the wheels turning in that mind of his. "What are you thinkin' about?" I ask him curiously. He shifts his gaze to me, looking up at me sleepily.

"Just tryna wrap my head around all this, ya know?" I nod, continuing to play with his hair.

"Wanna talk about it?" I ask, genuinely interested in how he's feeling.

"I just wish I could go back, take us back before all of this. Do it all right from the start. Give you..us.. the life we deserve. This isn't what I wanted for you...for Ella."

"We can't dwell on that now, we're here now. Together. That's all that matters." He nods, and i notice it becoming harder and harder for him to keep himself awake.

"It's okay baby, sleep." I whisper. He turns onto his side, snuggling his face into my stomach. He reaches up, taking Ella from me. He wraps his arms around her, like a child would a teddy bear. I watch him lovingly as they fall asleep, and in this moment I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. Even now, with the uncertaintity of our futures looming in the air I can't help but feel grateful that even through all the death and destruction we've endured this past year we still have eachother. Somehow we've managed to find love through all the fear and choas. We've suffered immeasurable loss, survived even the most hopeless situations, our worlds constantly hanging in the balance but here we are. Still standing. Still madly in love in a world of pure evil. I watch the flames dancing in the fire pit, as my loves sleep heavily beside me. I hear a twig snap in the distance. I look around at the group, most of them sleeping soundly. The ones on watch seemingly oblivious. I ignore it, I'm just tired. I think to myself. I'm hearing things. But then I hear it again, another twig, but closer than before. I take off my jacket, folding it like a pillow, before gently sliding it under Daryl's head. I scoot out from beneath him and grab my gun. I climb to my feet, removing the safety off my gun.

"What's wrong?" Cass asks as I approach the entrance she's watching.

"I heard something...I think something's out there." I whisper to her, not trying to alarm the rest of the group. "Stay here I'm going to check it out."

"Katie wait...I don't think that's a good idea." I ignore her, creeping beyond the concrete walls protecting me. "Katie wait!" She whispers. But I keep walking into the darkness. I'm not just going to ignore it and chance letting whatever it is hurt my family. I squint into the darkness, my gun raised in front of me. A twig snaps just feet in front of me. I spin around, pressing my back against the closest tree, ready to spring on whatever's approaching. I listen carefully, the silence intensifying in my ears. My heart races as I wait for my moment to attack. I throw myself around the side of the tree into the threat, sending us both barreling into the ground. I scramble on top of it, fighting to aim my gun at it's head. I can barely see a thing through the darkness. I use all my strength as i struggle against the walker, doing everything humanly possible to hold it down. I put my finger on the trigger, preparing to shoot, not even sure if I'll make the headshot. I manage to press the gun against the side of its head. To my surprise it freezes.

"D-don't shoot!" It cries. Then I realize it's not an it at all...it's...

"Rick!?" I click the safety back on my gun.

"Katie??" I climb off of him, plopping onto the ground beside him as he sits up.

"What the hell Rick...I almost shot you!" I say, slightly out of breath.

"Yeah, thanks for that." He replies. His voice completely calm.

"Where have you been?? You were gone for hours and then I find you out here lurking alone in the dark. The hell is going on with you Rick?"

"I killed my best friend...the father of your child to protect us...all of us and they still doubt me. I did that...for them. I killed a man Katherine. A man I've known my entire life...I have to carry that on my shoulders for the rest of my life so no one else had to. I have this whole group to think about. All those people looking to me to save them, to get them through this. So sorry I needed a minute to get my head together." I sit in silence, searching my mind for something to say.

"I forgive you." I say after awhile.

"What?" He replies weakly.

"I forgive you. You did what you thought you had to. He's gone. Nothing can change that now, we just have to keep going." I hear him sob in the darkness. I stand holding my hand out to him. "Come on we've got a family to get back to." He takes my hand and climbs to his feet. I wrap my arms around his waist, resting my head against his chest. He holds me, placing his chin on the top of my head.

"It's gonna be okay Brother. We're going to be okay." He nods against my head.

"I love you, I never meant to hurt you." He whispers sadly. The guilt and grief weighing heavily on his heart.

"I know Rick...I know."

"Katie??" Cass whispers frantically from the camp.

"We should go." I nod, and we walk back to the others.

"It's okay, it was just Rick." Cass sighs with relief at the sight of us. She hugs me.

"Thank God....I thought."

"I'm okay...we're okay." I say with a small smile. I look over to Daryl and the baby who are both still sound asleep. I give Ricks hand a gentle squeeze then head back to my family. I lay behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. I lay my head against his back, snuggling into him. My mind is heavy with thoughts but my body begs for sleep. I try to clear my mind, focusing on the sounds around me. Eventually I close my eyes, letting Daryls heavy breaths and the crackle of the warm fire lull me into an uneasy sleep.