Cheater (Complete)

Chapter Thirty-Six: My Shame

Memory Continued

The mind is a beautiful thing. If it feels like you can't handle something, it simply represses that memory and voila! You don't even remember that you lost that memory.

So even though I had gone through that trauma, my brain saw fit to keep that memory. I would have to live with it forever. But I think that's a good thing.

I would rather remember the pain, the hopeless feeling crushing my chest, and the betrayal than simply waking up and smiling at Ricky as if nothing had happened. This way, I could also remember the hope and the relief I felt when I dialed that phone. Nothing had felt so potent and nothing ever would again. I wanted to keep that. I wanted to remember.

But that was hard to tell myself when I cried at the drop of a hat, when I shied away from the slightest touch. I knew they only wanted to help but I couldn't help it. I mistrusted everyone. I mean, I had thought that Ricky was my friend, that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Look how that turned out. And these people didn't even know me.

The only person I would really relax around was Dean. Yes, I had been rescued by the same hospital where he was staying. Ricky had left me just close enough to that hospital, seeing as he didn't drive very far away. It was the closest option.

It made it easier for Dean to visit me. When he heard that I was here, from that pretty nurse ironically enough, he had gone crazy. He demanded to see me at once. So they put him on a wheelchair and brought him to me.

It was hard to look at him though. He had saved me time after time, just when I needed him. But not this time. He hadn't saved me when I needed him so desperately.

I knew it wasn't his fault but I couldn't help it. If I couldn't depend on him, who could I depend on?

And that was just it. That's what this whole ordeal had taught me. I couldn't depend on anyone. I had to learn to start surviving on my own because honestly, I've been doing a crappy job of it.

Crystal, Jesse, and now Dean. They were all the ones who saved me. Had I ever really done for myself? I had thought I was independent but I knew that if even one of those people hadn't been in my life, I'd be in a very different place now. I owed them so much, especially Crystal.

But I'd never given anything back. I just took and left. I was a horrible person and I had to stop that. I had to be self sufficient. If I'd known even a little self defense, maybe Ricky wouldn't have had the chance to hurt me so badly.

On the other hand, it might've not made a difference at all. But I'd never know.

I couldn't just trust that a prince charming would come and take me away from the dragon. I had to act for myself. And I had... in a way.

But I've also been thinking. Was it worth it? Was it worth getting beaten within an inch of my life, being cut up so badly inside? Was it worth provoking him so that he wouldn't touch me sexually? I didn't know. Did I save myself or screw myself?

What would've happened if I would have just 'laid there quietly'? I didn't want to think it. Rape was beyond horrible.

But being in this much pain wasn't a picnic either.

Emotional trauma or physical trauma? I had picked mine. Would I regret it?

I don't think I would but my doctor said he had bad news for me later on.

I was scared but not as scared as I would've been only days before. If I had survived Ricky, I had no reason to fear the doctor.

But what did he want to tell me?