Virgin // Shawn Mendes [Wattys 2018]

CHAPTER 37

Shawn's p.o.v

I'm in my hotel room in England when I hear a knock at the door. I get up from my bed and see that it's Cameron.

"Dallas what are you doing here?"

"I was already here in England before you came and we need to talk"

I sit down on my bed and nod.

"You're such a dick" he says. Wow. That's a great way to start a conversation.

"What?"

"You're a fucking dick. All these tweets you have, you're subtweeting her." He looks at me with anger.

"Yeah... so?"

"So? You loved her. You know you loved her."

"Yeah. Loved"

"I get that, but I know what you do after break ups. You convince yourself to hate them or blame them for every little thing that happened. You say that they weren't good enough for you, but don't you ever say again that you never loved her."

I just nod and take in everything that he said. He knows me well. But he can't tell me what I can and can't do. I'm about to speak when he suddenly cuts me off.

"Shawn, you looked at her the way that all girls dream of being looked at." My heart stops. Tears fill my eyes. I get up and walk over to him and hug him.

"Man it's just been so hard loosing feelings. I really loved her. More than anyone will ever know. I wanted her in every way. She was my better half. I just wish I could get her back, but I can't." I sniffle and wipe my tears.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"She called me and I spoke so ugly to her. I said that she should just move on because I already have. That was a lie and that I didn't want to listen to her shitty remarks on wanting me back. Before she was done speaking, I hung up."

Right after I say that, he slaps me right across my face. I grab my cheek as it stings.

"What the hell was that for?"

"For letting a great girl go. You're the most stupidest person ever. Millions of people would kill to date her, let alone just know her. I can't believe you right now."

"Yeah I know" still gripping my cheek.

"I'm gonna go. Put your feelings into the songs you perform tonight and in the next city and in the city after that. Let those people have a magical night. Let them see you vulnerable. Most of those people in that stadium are hurting or have been hurt before just like you. Let them connect to you. You'll thank me later"

I nod my head. He grabs my shoulder and we exchange our goodbyes. I'm going to do what he says. I know I can't get her back. But I can atleast try to move on.

Eventually it's night time and I am preparing to go on stage. I hear my cue and I walk up the steps to see screaming fans.

It's the same feeling every time. I still can't believe this is my life. I walk up to the microphone and start playing my guitar.

All of the sudden, I stop playing. The music stops. I hear all the fans asking about what's going on. I grab onto the mic and look down. Tears brim my eyes just remembering her. And how we ended. And the words we spoke about that last night in New York.

I wipe my tears that all the fans in the stadium saw on the big screen. I leave the microphone and walk over to the guy at the piano.

"I know this is all so sudden, but can you play ruin. I'll look at you when it's time to start." He nods.

I walk back over to the mic. I don't know when to start. I just breath and think, I'm trying to get a hold of myself.

"Alright we're doing something different tonight. I've been going through a lot. I'm not going to hide it. I'm obviously very vulnerable tonight. If you are feeling down, please try and connect with me on this. Things will get better. They always do. Just like with any break up, it takes time." Fans awe at what I said.

I look at the guy on the piano and he starts playing.

Do ya?
Do you think about me?
And, do ya?
Do you feel the same way, babe?
And, do ya?
Do you remember how we felt?
'Cause I do
So listen to me, baby
And I'm not tryina ruin your happiness,
But darling don't you know that
I'm the only one for ya?
And I'm not tryina ruin your happiness, baby
But darling don't you know that
I'm the only one, yeah?
And, do ya?
Do you think about me at all?
And, do you
Do you feel the same way? Oh Tell me, babe
And, do ya?
Do you remember how we felt?
'Cause I do

I put my heart into this song, and I feel like the fans can tell. They're singing along with me. I look at the fans in the front row, and some of them are crying. My heart is breaking. My face is covered in tears. I hope she is doing better than me right now. I hope we will be happy in the future. We had something special. I let go of it. I ruined her.

I get to the last lyric.

I'm not trying to ruin your happiness at all

"But it feels like I did that." I say into the microphone.

Fans clap. I look down and break. I lay down on the stage just looking up. I think of her smile. Of her happiness. I ruined it.

When I'm ready, I get back up. I walk over to the guy at the piano and thank him. I go backstage to drink my water real quick. I run back onstage and get to the mic.

"I'm sorry, but I needed to do that. I needed to put my feelings into that song. I promise the rest of the night will be better. I just needed to put those feelings aside and let them out to get along with myself."

The show was great, when it ends, I go back to my dressing room, look at my phone and go on twitter.

New tweet from @camerondallas
Shows up on my phone and I click it.

Proud. @shawnmendes

And I smile.