spotlight :: malum

: seventy :

The first thing Michael does is panic, then it turns into crying, which then turns into anger, it's a loop. Panic, cry, anger. Over and over until he gets so tired that he takes a stress nap on the couch with Ashton rubbing his back to comfort him during such a tough time. It's not a healthy process, but a process nonetheless.

There's too many hours of him just sleeping on Ashton's lap with nothing left for the boy to do while Michael dozes off. He makes a hobby of switching channels on the tv every once in awhile. It's been close to a full day and all he's done is sat here. His legs have gone numb and he's just about to go to sleep himself too. He can't stay awake much longer. His stomach is growling, he needs something to eat. So far they've been having tiny snack intervals whenever the boy wakes up but nothing was as filling as a full meal.

He's about to get up and find something to eat. Until, of course, Michael stirs awake. His whole body turning over so his eyes see the very solemn expression on Ashton's face. The tv blares a commercial for some makeup product, there's the faint sound of Michael grumbling something incoherent before he clears his throat.

"What time is it?" The redhead finally strings together a sentence that Ashton can understand and his whole body sits up just to slump against his side. 

"Close to ten pm."

"I feel stupid." He sniffles, the aftermath of crying so much makes his eyes burn and his face still feels puffy. He can't will himself to tear up again, that's too embarrassing and he's sure Ashton's sick of it. He's had to sit and cater to him all day and he feels horrible for dragging him into this.

"No, he's stupid." The dirty blonde curtly turns Michael's pout into a still forced but kind of happy smile. It's the happiest he's looked since the whole fiasco happened. Maybe he's feeling a little less sad now, maybe the nap helped.

"I'm stupid. I should've known, he doesn't do relationships, that's not who he is." Michael feels his throat tighten, a lump blocks his breathing and he hiccups to catch his breath. Nothing feels worse than him trusting Calum so much only for the rockstar to do what he does best and not be loyal.

"Hey, let's not think like that." Ashton soothes him with a hug, engulfing the pale boy into his arms as Michael only shakes his head with his face buried into his chest. He's the idiot who thought Calum was better than his past self. Turns out he's been the same all along.

"I don't wanna go to his show tonight, I can't." He remembered his idea of surprising him and feels his lungs get smaller, his hiccups are starting to become heavy breaths- he's hyperventilating.

Ashton keeps holding him despite his tense stature, rocking his body lightly. "You don't have to, don't worry." His chin rests on top of Michael's head.

The air feels hotter and his vision is getting splotchy. Ashton can't let Michael get worked up, he'll start having one of his panic attacks and the last time something like this happened was when he realized how bad his ex treated him. He places a hand in the redhead's hair, running his fingers through the soft strands. He wouldn't wish anything like that night to happen to him again, Michael doesn't deserve to go through these panic episodes over his own relationships.

He hates this. He hates how easily manipulated he can be by someone, how fast he falls under their spell just to get hurt the same way every time. Calum said he'd never do this. He said he loved him and he meant it. He had to. But all signs are pointing to no like a giant arrow flashing at Calum that says cheater in bold, bright neon lights.

The hurting in his chest multiplies when all he can think of is how much pain he feels but yet, he still loves him. He loves Calum more than anything and that's what makes it so terrible. He still cares, and that's not right, he should hate him, why can't he hate him?