Put flowers on the desk. (Soonhoon)

Day 82.

He left last night, it turns out his aunt wanted him earlier, and when he left I just smiled, even though I really didn't want to, and kissed him goodbye.

Telling him to be careful and that I love him.

But today I was even more on edge.

I fell asleep alone and I couldn't stand that.

I felt like my mind was eating itself.

I don't know what to call this emotion.

I really don't get it.

I'm doing fine, I'm doing things that I like, so why am I just so sad?

I haven't done anything wrong..

Why does this happen?

I'm freaking out now, I woke up and couldn't breathe I was so uncomfortable.

I didn't sleep much last night.

~~~

I realized what widdled its way back to my mind.

Extreme thoughts. Way over extreme.

about suicide again.

I thought hard about it.

Especially because Soonyoung wasn't there today. I just thought my mind was able to release these things.

But releasing them only made it worse.

Way worse.

I felt my throat clog up and felt my heart go faster than usual, like I was in danger.

I thought about what it would be like if I happened to die in the hospital.

I thought about how I didn't even wanna see my own family.

I thought long today.

I didn't leave the room and ended up curling myself in the corner.

The corner where I just wanted to leave but my head was screaming at me- telling to stay put and if I didn't I'd die.

What is this?

I only forced myself to get up when I had to take pills

The pills I thought about shoving all of them down my throat at once.

Though the sudden thought scared me and I quickly put them down as soon as I took as much as I was prescribed.

It tasted bitter.

I really don't know what's happening and I hate it.

I just want Soonyoung to hug me and calm me down.

I'm too selfish.