He left last night, it turns out his aunt wanted him earlier, and when he left I just smiled, even though I really didn't want to, and kissed him goodbye.
Telling him to be careful and that I love him.
But today I was even more on edge.
I fell asleep alone and I couldn't stand that.
I felt like my mind was eating itself.
I don't know what to call this emotion.
I really don't get it.
I'm doing fine, I'm doing things that I like, so why am I just so sad?
I haven't done anything wrong..
Why does this happen?
I'm freaking out now, I woke up and couldn't breathe I was so uncomfortable.
I didn't sleep much last night.
~~~
I realized what widdled its way back to my mind.
Extreme thoughts. Way over extreme.
about suicide again.
I thought hard about it.
Especially because Soonyoung wasn't there today. I just thought my mind was able to release these things.
But releasing them only made it worse.
Way worse.
I felt my throat clog up and felt my heart go faster than usual, like I was in danger.
I thought about what it would be like if I happened to die in the hospital.
I thought about how I didn't even wanna see my own family.
I thought long today.
I didn't leave the room and ended up curling myself in the corner.
The corner where I just wanted to leave but my head was screaming at me- telling to stay put and if I didn't I'd die.
What is this?
I only forced myself to get up when I had to take pills
The pills I thought about shoving all of them down my throat at once.
Though the sudden thought scared me and I quickly put them down as soon as I took as much as I was prescribed.
It tasted bitter.
I really don't know what's happening and I hate it.
I just want Soonyoung to hug me and calm me down.
I'm too selfish.
YOU ARE READING
Put flowers on the desk. (Soonhoon)
FanficLee Jihoon is sick, and he know he is, but he doesn't understand what he has. The countless hours as the hospital let's him know whatever he has is bad, but how bad could his life be if he met Soonyoung? Every day he wakes up with flowers on his de...