There's something weird about cheating.
Being cheated on is heartbreaking, but being a cheater...
God, the adrenaline rush of doing something so strange, so dangerous, so risky, and yet oh so good... it's hard to resist.
While yes I am technically single, we do still love each other a lot. Myself and the boy I'm seeing.
And last night all self control went out the window.
It was all so easy, almost too easy. He was so tempting, sweet, dirty and gorgeous. He reminded me of the thing we had in the past. He sweet talked me, dirty talked me, and I came running back.
It was almost rejuvenating, talking to someone I hadn't spoken to in such a way for such a long time. It was risky, hot and good Lord it felt so good.
So bad, but oh so good.
We weren't even together, just talking about it, like children asking "what would you do if I was with you right now?", but it was so much more than that. I could almost feel his hands on my waist again, his lips on my neck again, his hands in my hair again. I could almost smell his cologne, as we stood tightly together in a corner all those years ago, again. Whispering sweet nothing and acting all innocent to everyone else, but running a hand under my jumper when no one else was looking. Things i never told anybody else (I know my best mate is gonna kill me when she reads this, but to be fair it was before we were so close.)
God I remember this from two years ago. And there's something oddly reassuring about remembering it all again, and about talking about it again.
But it all comes back down with a bump when I remember who my loyalty should lie with.
I'm alone in my room, crying, shaking, freaking the fuck out with one thought going through my mind,
What did I just do?
I have to tell him. I had to. I couldn't lie. That would just lying even more. So I text him,
"I love you, I'm a bad person, good night."
Thinking maybe I'll deal with it in the morning.
But he replies instantly and I cannot stop myself.
"You aren't a bad person what you on about?"
And I tell him.
I told him i talked to somebody else about it, I told him i don't blame if he ditched me, I told him he can do better...
And he just laughed and said,
"Calm Down. You're a horny teenager and I don't care. I made mistakes like that too. It's okay. I'm on your side."
I don't deserve that boy. He deals with so much shit from me it's unreal. And yet, he still stays with me. He loves me and wants to keep me safe. Any one else would have left me.
I tell him again I love him and that I don't deserve him.
He just laughs again and says,
"Yes you do you weirdo. Night xx"
I'm keeping that boy. Even of it kills me, I'm not losing that boy out of my life. Ever.
