This is incredibly hard to write, as it's not really anything I've ever shared with anyone before. I've shared the cause with close friends as it has caused other things in my life that has left me ruined and broken (luckily I have noticed I am on the mend with those things after 10 years), but this not in such detail.
My thoughts seem to wander, twist, and leave me shaking and crying alone.
My friends have heard me refer to them as "nightmares" because for me they usually happen at night and leave me lying awake for hours. I've never really explained what they are, I've just told them about how i couldn't sleep because of a nightmare or whatever. while that isn't entirely untrue, I never fall asleep in the first place, I'm wide awake when it happens and sometimes it doesn't even happen at night.
Flashbacks of shit that's happened to me, if I hear something is wrong with a friend or family member it exaggerates itself into them dying and what happens to me afterwards, hateful sexual thoughts of those I hate and want to keep far away from me, torture, being abandoned. One of the reasons why I cannot deal with losing a friend is because my mind changes it to "you are unloveable" and "you now have no purpose in life because they left you". So when someone is quiet with me, or seems off, or seems more aggressive towards me than usual, I go into panic mode and my mind lists everything little I could have done, then I constantly ask if they are okay, have I done something, what can I do to make it better...
99.9% of the time they are absolutely fine and I've done nothing.
Doesn't mean I don't think they are lying to me though.
This shit has got me into trouble in the past. I run off with my mouth and then rumours spread like wildfire, and before I know it I'm pulled into the deputy heads office because I apparently called a teacher a rapist. But as a tiny 11-year-old, I didn't deny it because I was scared, alone and just thought I had to agree. I never said it, I just said they were creepy and I didn't like them, and then people blew it up into that and reported me.
I want it to stop.
I don't want to be up at midnight with my head filled with my Mum dying. I don't want to be breaking down in maths because my mind is telling me he doesn't love me and that he's going to leave. I don't want to be choking back tears while at dinner because I think my best friend is pissed at me and that she is going to abandon me.
I wonder if I should see anyone about it, but then I would have to tell someone like my parents or teachers, and they wouldn't understand it. I'd explain it wrong and it wouldn't come out right and then they'd think I was lying.
Well, my best friend now knows as she reads this and as i write it I'm explaining it to him for the first time, but he doesn't get it. Because I've had enough. I'm done with crying several times a week, I'm done with being alone.
I want to stop being haunted by my own mind.
