It turns out it wasn't the best moment of my life.
It was a lie.
I lost.
A part of me died the moment I realised. I fought to hide it from those around me. I spoke to the one it involves. And while they are okay, I'm not.
I failed.
Yes, i didn't want to even have it in the first place, it was my worst nightmare.
But I still feel like I've let three people down.
Three people at least.
The thing is, I know it's not my fault. I didn't know until it was too late. At that point, it was already gone.
But I still feel like I've failed.
The one thing I've been "put on this earth to do" and I can't fucking do it.
I want to have the situation where it's not even possible. That way I know I'm going to fail. That way I don't have to deal with feeling like I'm winning, but then I don't.
that way ill be safe.
I feel awful for those who have that situation. But then, my worst nightmare is probably their dream. If I could swap situations with them, I would. God, I would. At least I'm still able too. At least it's still possible for me.
And when I know that someone who is so incredibly close to me is going through this, I break. I want them to know that it's going to be okay, there are other options.
I wish I could swap with you, give you that option back again. let you do it the way you want to.
Make you happy again.
