I'm getting bad again.
For the first time in a while I'm getting bad again.
My head feels heavy, my stomach is churning and my minds gone black.
I don't feel human. I feel empty.
In the last 15 minutes my mind has forced me to think of the worst case scenarios for issues that are happening around me at the moment.
A close friend of mine dying.
My mum dying.
Him dying.
All at once.
Because it's possible. Little things get planted in my head and then they sprout, and grow into hideous forms that take over my body and my heart, and leaves me lying in bed in tears because I'm scared and upset.
I know it's unlikely for any of it to happen.
But its a possibility.
There's a what if in my head that I can't shake.
For two or three weeks I've been feeling like shit. I've been taking it out on people and I'm sorry for it.
But how can I explain that the reason I've been a bitch is that my head has gone into overdrive and I feel like I'm suffocating and that I am no longer in control of my own head?
I am not in control.
And I don't know what to do. I've forgotten how to live. I've forgotten how to just fall asleep.
I've forgotten what it's like to be happy.
