I'm not gay

Sean

~Sean~

I'm happy.

It's fascinating. I've experienced happiness and glee multiple times in the 28 years I've lived my life. Yet, this happiness I was currently feeling is the most pleasurable and rewarding glee I've ever had. 

It's like that moment when the one thing you've been trying to get, finally happens for you. Like studying for a test you worked hard for and acing it. Like playing a rage inducing game and finally completing the course.

It was fantastic to finally gain that attention from Mark. That attention I was certain I'd never see. Although it came through many months of pain, it finally made it's appearance and was able to grace my life. However.

However, it came at the worst time possible.

Not that I'm an extremist with this sort of thing, but it would look terrible on my part if I just got up and left Adam so suddenly, only to go running to Mark straight after. The truth of this situation was unfair yet necessary. 

I had to leave Adam. It would be unfair to everyone if I stayed, I couldn't be with a person I wasn't fully devoted to. I couldn't stay with Adam if my heart was with Mark.

Although Adam is a all around great guy, he knows seldom of what Mark has done. Well, he knows enough to know that I went through a broken phase because of what he did. He would not approve if I told him I was leaving him for Mark.

The entire situation at hand was giving me a headache. This was all under my control, whatever happens is in my best interest. I paced around the room, biting down on the tip of my thumb. Mark sat hunched over on the bed, his eyes following me curiously. 

"Quit pacing back and forth Jack, it's clearly not helping", he sighed and I scoffed at him.

"I can't help it! I'll get jittery if I just sit in one space, I need to move around!" I whined and he tilted his head at me, gnawing his lip. "You're overwhelming yourself".

"You're not helping!"

"There's not much I can do! I'm sorry if I added more stress... I'm sorry this is so hard for you, I just wanted to tell you so it was out there, not to stress you out", his cheeks grew flustered and he looked down at his hands. 

"I know", I slugged my frame and walked over to him, taking a seat on the bed beside him. He glanced over at me and leaned over, placing a gentle kiss on my cheek before allowing me to rest my head on his shoulder, his face nuzzled into my hair as he pecked my head again.

I felt him lightly lift his arm and wrap it around me, a smile resting on my face.

"Sean", he broke the silence that lasted nearly ten minutes. "I want you to know that I'm not forcing you to do this... I purely want you to be happy... You don't have to be with me because I want you to..." He said softly and my eyes opened as I heard his words.

"Shut up", I grumbled. "Just shut up Mark, you don't know what you're talking about", I smiled to myself as I heard him stutter. "I-I think I do Sean".

"No you don't Mark, you don't because I love you... Which means I want to be with you because I want it to be so", I lifted my head to look up into his eyes. "I just don't know how to go about doing it", I looked away and sighed.

He rubbed my back comfortingly which made me smile from behind my hands, slowly lowering them to look back at him again, a smile remaining on my face and I leaned closer to him. Our noses met and he smiled back to me, our lips gently brushing each other, desperate for contact.

I pulled away too soon despite how eager I was to close the gap. He stared at me before smiling, watching as I jumped up to my feet and stretched. "I better get going, they're probably looking for me", I looked down at him, watching him blink before he nodded but made no moves to stand.

I leaned down and kissed his nose, then his head, then his cheek, my lips hovering by his lips. "Bye", I breathed, still not pressing my lips to his, which he didn't do either. "I love you", he whispered back, drawing away and smiling to me. His grin only made my knees weak and my heart melt, his words however, sent me into a longing frenzy.

"Yeah".

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"Hey baby", Adam's sweet voice sent shivers down my spine as I stepped in our room. "Hey", I replied, shutting the door and standing in place.

"Where were you?" He asked, I could hear him moving closer. "I was out with Ethan and Tyler", I slowly turned to face Adam who was a lot closer than I initially thought. "I see", he leaned in to kiss me, but as if by instinct I stepped away, my back hitting the door behind me.

"Sean?" He frowned at me and I licked my chapped lips, my cheeks heating up. "S-Sorry, I'm a little on edge", I cracked a smile and slipped from my position past him, going to the balcony. "What's wrong?" He sounded more suspicious than he did concerned. "Nothing", I opened the door and walked to the railing, crossing my arms over the bars and looking up at the sky. It looked so much more dark from over here, whereas when I was with Mark, I could see more stars.

"Baby", Adam's arms suddenly wrapped around my upper body, his front pressing up against my back. "What's wrong?" He hummed against my neck, trailing kisses on my skin which enacted a series of goosebumps to prickle at my flesh.

"Nothing", I wanted to push him away.

He didn't speak any more than that, I could feel his hands moving all over my body. He soon started exploring beneath my clothing, my body instantaneously squirming at these actions as they always would. 

Don't think I'm only reacting this way now, I've never done anything sexual or progressively intimate with him, I'd always decline. Why would he think that now would be an appropriate time for this? If I reject this constantly, why would I accept it when I'm clearly in a strange mood?

"Stop it", I murmur, my hands trying to pry his fingers from beneath the fabric of my clothes. He didn't budge but I knew he heard me.

"Adam, no, stop it", I squirmed more, trying to knock him back with my shoulder. "Shh, relax babe, it's okay", that really pissed me off. "No! Fucking get off of me!" I forced him off harshly, making him stumble back a bit. "I said no!"

He stared at me with a blunt gaze, his eyes quickly narrowed before he approached me, his hands pinning me back into the railing and leaning uncomfortably close. "Who were you with?" His voice was dauntingly low. "Adam", I tried to free myself from his hold.

"Who the fuck were you with?" He demanded, pressing his hips up against mine which made me whimper before I turned my face away. 

"Get off!" I screamed this time, slapping him across the face and immediately making a break for it. His reflexes were sharper than I thought, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back into his chest, slamming me forward onto the balcony doors.

"If it was that Mark guy... I swear to fucking Christ Sean".

"Stop", I wanted to cry.

"If I see you near him, I swear to god I will break his fucking neck".

"Let me go!"

"Understood?" He seethed and I shut my eyes tightly. "Yes".

______________

Adam isn't that bad, right?