I'm not gay

Mark

~Mark~

"Arin? Danny? Is everything okay with you guys?" I approached my two friends, immediately feeling a tension wash over me as soon as I entered the room. Maybe this wasn't a good time... I had never seen Danny and Arin argue before, at least not like this.

Despite the fact I had no idea what the problem was.

"What? Oh hi Mark", Danny shared an uncomfortable look with Arin and I instantly felt as though I wasn't wanted here. "Hey? Are you two okay?" I cleared my throat, trying to brush away the feeling. "Just discussing some issues", Arin crossed his arms and leaned back on the wall, Danny shooting a glare at him.

"Issues?"

Was I prying? I wasn't certain.

"We can handle it Mark", Arin added after a momentary pause. "Oh kay... If you say so... But, have... Have you seen Jack? I can't find him anywhere?" I looked around, not noticing the atmosphere almost grow lighter as the two smirked and glanced at each other, leaving me with suspicious curiosity.

"What you need him for?" Danny inquired and I frowned, not understanding the sudden fascination with myself trying to locate Sean.

"Just curious? He's my friend after all", I smiled crookedly, but I was now beginning to feel uncomfortable with the smirks they'd exchange, like they had a secret they refused to share with me. "He's around", Danny shrugged, swaying slightly.

"Great, that helps", I rolled my eyes and the two snickered before Arin decided to give me a proper answer. "Try the balcony", I nodded and immediately left them be, feeling too uncomfortable to remain in their odd presence. I soon reached the door leading outside to the balcony, turning the handle and pushing it open, seeing the slim silhouette hunch over the railing, staring forward at the dark star filled sky.

"Want some company?" I spoke up, seeming to have startled him, he turning to look at me before he noticeably relaxed and shrugged, turning back to the railing and slouching over it. I eyed him for a moment, slowly strolling to stand at his side, my hands gripping the railing as I stared upward admiring the billions of stars which wavered above us.

It took me about five minutes before I realised someone was staring at me, turning my head to look at Sean who immediately looked away from me, gripping the bars tightly. "You alright?"

Everyone seemed so tense today.

"Yeah, I'm just thinking", he crossed his arms over the railing and resting his chin on them, sighing lightly. "About?" I thought maybe I could talk to him and help him feel better. He hesitated and I frowned. Was there seriously something going on that I wasn't informed of?

"Can I be honest with you Mark?" He looked over at me and I blinked, even in the darkness I could see his innocent blue eyes staring at me with wonder, something I always thought was so special about Sean, his childlike wonders.

"Of course".

He sighed dramatically.

"I'm thinking about love", he breathed and I stared at him, waiting for him to continue. "Mark I..." He looked at me and hesitated. "Have you ever been in love?"

"I have".

"No, different question, have you ever been in love with someone you knew you could never have?" He turned so he fully faced me, anxiously awaiting my response. I opened my mouth to answer but paused, actually thinking about what he was asking. "I don't..." I looked around, as if thinking I could spot my response in the area around us.

"Mark?" He started again and I looked at him. "Could you ever love a man?"

This question threw me completely off guard. I was almost certain he was messing with me, but there was no indication that this was a joke, yet I still found myself letting out an uncomfortable laugh, scratching at the nape of my neck and looking around. "Are you serious?"

"I wouldn't ask if I wasn't serious".

"No", I said firmly, my eyes narrowing at him. "No, I couldn't".

"How do you know?"

"Sean, why are you asking me this?" I crossed my arms and turned away from him, leaning over the railing and staring forward towards the distant lights of the city. "I want to know".

"Why?" I demanded roughly. These questions were redundant.

When he didn't respond my mind started piecing things together and I paused before I turned to him, my lips parted slightly. "Are you..."

"What?"

"Are you... Gay?" I rose an eyebrow at him and he rubbed his arm, looking at his feet sheepishly. "Sean?" I pushed, stepping up to him and eyeing him carefully. "So... So what if I am?" He said boldly, looking up at me with a stern expression. I felt my stomach churn and I felt the urge to vomit, quickly turning away from him.

"M-Mark?"

"Who else knew?"

"You're the only one who didn't know", he admitted and that sickening churn started to burn at the pit of my stomach. I felt pretty hurt that he neglected to tell me of this, but another part was filled with a slight rage as the logic started putting itself together. He's been asking me these gay questions lately, telling me of love, Danny and Arin hinting at Sean.

My face paled.

"Mark are you-"

"Have you got some kind of sick crush on me?" I interrupted him rudely. I would've felt bad if he weren't a gay or if I weren't so angry right now. "It's not like that!" His voice cracked and I gagged slightly, gripping the railing and leaning over, preparing myself in case I might vomit.

"Oh my god!" I gasped, clamping my eyes shut and gritting my teeth, completely in denial that one of my closest friends was gay and completely in love with me. Or rather disgustingly obsessed with the thought of me fucking him. I gagged again.

"Mark please! You don't get it!" He placed a hand on my shoulder and harshly slapped him off. "Don't fucking touch me!" I snarled, now facing him and glaring at him in pure disgust. I noticed the tears spilling over his eyes and I felt a small piece of me shudder in guilt, but it was hardly noticeable.

"How long has this been going on?! I mean you, being obsessed with me?"

"I'm not obsessed.... Three years", he looked away and I gagged again.

"Mark I would have told you but I knew you'd over exaggerate like this... Being gay isn't a fucking sin! I can't control who I love, get your head out your arse and realise that the world is more diverse!" He snapped at me, glaring at me with pain.

I only stared at him in disgust as I shook my head, refusing to look at him any longer. "I want you out my house, I want you out now".

He whimpered and stepped up to me. "Mark, please... I'm-"

"I don't want to hear your fucking excuses you miserable excuse for a human! Get out of my fucking house faggot!"

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A lot of shaming will occur.