Tally Marks (Thomas Sanders PolySanders/LAMP fanfiction)

15

Sorry for missing Monday's update! I had just gotten back from vacation and was tired and didn't feel up to writing just yet. I'm getting back into it now though, and I won't miss updates again! (Probably) I know this is also a few minutes late, so sorry for that as well.

Virgil was waiting by the door when he finally heard someone knocking. He jumped when he heard it, his panic that he had somewhat managed to get under control coming back as he realized he didn't know what to even say to Logan when he opened the door. He drew in a shaky breath, jumping again when Logan knocked a second time. He got up this time, unlocking the door and stepping back as he waited for Logan to open it, collapsing back onto his couch and curling up with his knees to his chest.

"Virgil?" Logan asked as he opened the door, looking inside. Finding him on the couch he quickly stepped inside, closing the door back and rushing to his friends side. He sat beside of him on the couch, going to touch him and then pausing. "Virgil, would it be alright for me to touch you?"

Instead of answering verbally Virgil leaned over to Logan, throwing his arms around him and hiding his face in his chest as tears once again fell from his eyes. Logan immediately wrapped his arms back around Virgil. "It's alright," He muttered quietly. "Just breathe Virgil. It will be alright."

"I'm scared," Virgil mumbled back, grimacing at the tears he tasted from opening his mouth. "I-I don't know what to do Logan. I d-don't-I don't understand why this is happening to me."

"Just breathe, Virge. We can talk afterwards if you need, but first you need to breathe. Do it with me?" Logan suggested. Virgil nodded slowly, and Logan began to go through his breathing exercises with him. It took multiple tries before he could even do it once, but after the first time Virgil found it easier and easier to breathe.

"Better?" Logan asked after a while, once Virgil's breathing had gone back to normal. He was still leaning heavily on Logan, most likely exhausted after having that bad of an anxiety attack. Virgil gave a short nod, and Logan felt relieved.

"Talk now, or later?" Logan asked carefully. He wouldn't force Virgil to talk about what caused his attack, but he was concerned. Virgil stayed quiet, and Logan understood that meant he didn't want to talk about it yet.

"Distraction then?" He asked, and Virgil slowly gave a nod. Logan nodded as well, thinking for a moment. "Would you like for me to make you something to drink first?"

Virgil almost wanted to smile at how considerate Logan was. He seemed to know everything a person might need after crying or having an anxiety attack. He may not be the best at emotional related problems but he always tried. He was too tired to smile though, and just mumbled a yes. He shifted so that he wasn't leaning on Logan anymore, finding that he missed the contact with his friend as Logan got up and made his way into Virgil's kitchen.

When Logan returned he handed Virgil a glass, returning to his spot next to him. Virgil leaned against him again, neither of them saying anything. To Virgil the silence was uncomfortable. He didn't want to be forced to explain what had happened, and he didn't want Logan to know. He didn't want any of them to find out what was wrong. He hoped Logan wouldn't press him, and while he didn't think he would do that he was still scared.

Logan spoke up as his thoughts were beginning to make him panic again. He didn't ask any questions, but simply started a casual conversation. It was random, but Virgil appreciated it. He needed the distraction.

Later on, when the two ran out of things to talk about Logan spoke up again. "I'm not going to ask or try to guess what has been bothering you, but I was wondering... would it help even a little bit if you didn't have to be alone tonight? I would not mind staying over here for you. It's already pretty late anyways."

Virgil thought about it for a moment, not saying anything. Usually it was Roman who he called after having an anxiety attack like that one. It was usually him that stayed the night afterwards. The two of them usually ended up in his bedroom, a movie playing on his tv while they laid beside each other in bed. Virgil would lay on his chest while Roman wrapped his arms around him, one hand combing through his hair soothingly. He imagined doing the same thing with Logan there, and smiled.

Then immediately after he realized exactly how weird that was, and frowned instead. First Patton, and now Logan too? What was wrong with him? He couldn't be thinking that way.

"Virgil?" Logan asked, drawing his attention back to the other. Logan took his hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "I promise you are not bothering me at all, if that's what is worrying you. I would be more than happy to stay with you if that is what you want."

"N-no, it's not that," Virgil muttered, looking down at his hand being held by Logan's and feeling his cheeks flush. He closed his eyes tightly, shaking his head. He shouldn't be thinking that way, he needed to stop. He just missed Roman. That was all. "I-I think I'd prefer to be alone. N-now, if that's okay."

"Are you sure?" Logan frowned. "Will you be alright if something happens again?"

"I'll be fine," Virgil snapped, immediately wincing at the harshness. "I'm sorry. I just... I'm confused. And tired. I just want to go to sleep and stop worrying about it."

"If... if you're certain that is what you want, then I will leave you be." Logan said. "If you need anything at all though, don't be afraid to call. I'll always here for you."

"Thanks, Logan.." Virgil mumbled, feeling like the worst friend in the world. Logan was only trying to help, and Virgil snapped at him for no reason. He was being stupid, and he needed to get over it as soon as possible.

After the two said goodbye and Logan left-promising to text as soon as he was home safely-Virgil simply stood by his door. He didn't do anything, just leaning against it and hearing his worried thoughts return ten times louder than before. New worried mixed in with his previous ones, and Virgil wished he could have let Logan stay.

However, as much as he didn't want to admit it to himself he knew what would happen if Logan had stayed. He knew that if he let him in, if he let Patton get close to him like that again, then something bad was going to happen. He knew he was close to falling for both of them, and he knew that he couldn't.

He couldn't.