Tally Marks (Thomas Sanders PolySanders/LAMP fanfiction)

37

Warnings: panic attacks.

"I'm not ready to go back to school already," Virgil groaned after Patton woke him and Logan that Monday morning. The three of them had spent most of the weekend together trying to keep their mind off of Roman, but now that they had to go back to school that was a lot more difficult. All of them dreaded having to go, not wanting to see Roman again knowing that they couldn't talk or spend any time with him. However, they didn't have much of a choice but to go, so they reluctantly got up and ready.

On their walk to school each of them felt nervous. For most of the way there the three of them held hands, a way of comforting themselves and each other. When the three of them started seeing other students from their school around them looking at them curiously they only felt even more nervous. Eventually they had to all let go of each other's hands, trying to keep to themselves to avoid attracting any more unwanted attention.

They arrived at the front of their school building as usual, standing together and talking as they waited for school to start. While Patton and Virgil were talking about something together Logan was distracted, his gaze on a certain person he saw slowly trudging towards the school building. Logan watched him as he got closer, nervously adjusting his glasses as he fought the urge to say something, or to go to him.

It was then that Roman happened to glance in the same direction. He locked eyes with Logan for a moment, stopping in place briefly. Logan couldn't help but feel hopeful that maybe, just maybe Roman would talk to them again. He would walk over, hear them out and he would come back. Things could be better again.

Then Roman turned abruptly away from him, eyes focused on the school in front of him. He walked faster now, like he wanted to get as far away as possible from Logan. Logan also noticed the way he sunk in on himself just a little, pulling his book bag closer around his shoulders. Logan felt a pain in his chest as he thought about how Roman must be feeling, and his throat felt like it was closing up. He grit his teeth, determined not to tear up despite the wave of emotions that hit him all of a sudden.

"Logan?" Patton gained his attention suddenly, resting a hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright?"

Logan frowned, wondering why that question always seemed to make things even worse. He could feel the tears gathering in his eyes now, shaking his head slowly. He was not alright. He felt Patton's hand slip down to take a hold of his own hand, pulling gently to encourage Logan to follow him. Logan didn't pay much attention to where they were going, too focused on trying to keep the tears in his eyes from going any further.

"Logan," He heard someone speak after they had stopped walking, Patton having him sit down against a wall. He looked up and saw Virgil in front of him, looking around and seeing that they were by the side of the school again. It seemed like every time they came here it was because someone was crying. Logan hated that he was the one crying now. He looked back at Virgil as he spoke again.

"Logan. Breathe, okay? Tell us what's wrong." Virgil said as calmly as possible, sitting down in front of Logan. He reached a hand out hesitantly, and when Logan didn't protest he took the hand that Patton wasn't holding in both of his hands.

"I'm-" Logan started, frowning at his wavering voice. "I'm worried."

"About what?" Patton asked softly. "It's okay to talk to us, Logan."

"I'm worried about Roman." Logan admitted, ignoring his trembling voice this time. "I'm worried he won't ever listen to us again. That we'll lose him. And I know I talked about this all before, I admitted how I was feeling but I'm-it's worse."

Patton and Virgil both shared a very worried glance. It was unusual for Logan to share his feelings, so it was always concerning when he was upset but this was worse. Logan seemed to be panicking.

"Logan, please breathe okay?" Virgil said, squeezing his hand assuringly. "Before you keep talking, just breathe."

Logan tried to listen, trying his hardest to follow the breathing exercise he knew from Virgil. It was hard, and it took him a little while just to do it once. Virgil and Patton were there the entire time, eventually moving closer to hug him, Logan leaning into them as he tried to calm down just a little bit more. He felt childish and stupid like this, thinking that he was supposed to be the one that was there for Patton and Virgil. They were the more emotional of the three of them, not him. He wasn't supposed to be acting this way.

"I am sorry," Logan tried to speak clearly, but this voice came out quiet and nervous. He winced at the sound. "I shouldn't be acting like this. I just..."

"Everyone has bad days, Logan." Patton assured him. "You're human. We all have feelings, and sometimes it's overwhelming."

"My arm..." Logan muttered, leaning further into Virgil's chest to hide his face. "It's... I'm.."

"It's okay," Virgil said, rubbing his back. "We both know you don't want it to happen, but it's no good to bottle up everything. That only leads to more breakdowns like this one. You really can't force your feelings away. That's not how they work."

"I wish that was how it worked." Logan mumbled, making Virgil and Patton frown and hold him tighter. Logan didn't look at either of them, looking down at his arm instead. His fingers brushed over the two black tally marks he already had, wanting to fight against the itch he felt but knowing that Virgil was right.

More tears slipped down his face as he finally scratched his arm. In the time that it took to blink a new red tally appeared in front of him, Logan staring at it briefly before he turned his head away. He wrapped his arm around one of his boyfriends, hiding it from himself and pulling them even closer to him.

The three of them stayed that way for a while, comforting Logan until eventually he had calmed down enough to get up and head to class. They had already missed their first class of the day but none of them could find it in themselves to care, instead wishing they had more time to stay at home and be with each other.

I..... hate this chapter, and I don't know how to fix it but uh. I have to upload something, so here you go! Will they ever be happy???? Probably not!

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this somehow. I'll try to keep uploading frequently although I make no promises, as I have another book I am working on at the moment that I have a deadline on completing, and also more life drama yayyyyy. Lol anyways, take care of yourselves. Bye!-Bob