Tally Marks (Thomas Sanders PolySanders/LAMP fanfiction)

35

"Logan?" He heard his name called softly, a hand touching his shoulder and gently shaking him. "Hey, wake up."

Logan groaned, squeezing his eyes shut tighter. He didn't appreciate being pulled away from his dream, and he really didn't want to wake up. The person waking him laughed quietly, calling his name again. Reluctantly, Logan opened his eyes to find himself wrapped in Patton's arms, Virgil laying behind him, and both of them looking at him.

"Sorry for waking you, but it's only Friday." Patton reminded him. "We still have one more day of school before you can sleep in."

Logan sighed, closing his eyes again and leaning in closer to Patton's warmth, reaching behind him to take Virgil's hand. He definitely felt a lot more clingy when he was sleepy.

"I'm not ready to be awake," he grumbled tiredly. He paused for a moment before reluctantly continuing. "...I was having a peaceful dream."

"What was it about?" Virgil asked, holding Logan's hand and rubbing soothing circles on the back of it with his thumb. It was obvious that he was asking to delay having to get up too-neither of them were morning people, so any reason to keep laying there together they would use.

"It was..." Logan felt his cheeks burn as he thought about it, his tired and unfiltered brain finding it easier to share his silly feelings than normal. "It was about you two. And Roman. We were all together. You guys were happy. Roman was happy... it made me feel happy."

Patton and Virgil frowned at that, Patton pulling Logan closer in his arms and Virgil squeezing his hand. Patton pressed a kiss to the top of his head, muttering. "Oh, Logan..."

"I think that... no, I know, I..." Logan frowned, silently berating himself for sharing so many of his thoughts. He sighed, shaking his head and reminding himself that Patton and Virgil didn't mind. They were there for him as much as he was for them. "I miss him."

Both Virgil and Patton felt their hearts shattering at that, Virgil letting go of Logan's hand in favor of wrapping his arms around him, leaning closer to Patton to reach across him and get to Logan. Patton had tears welling up in his eyes already, glad that Virgil was behind him and Logan's face was hidden in his neck so they couldn't see him.

"We do too," Virgil told him, fighting off tears of his own. Patton nodded quickly in agreement.

"Of course," he mumbled. "We all miss him a lot, but we'll get through this. Together."

"I've been thinking about him a lot," Logan admitted, his voice soft and nervous. "Since he left, I... I just want him here with us. For all of this. I-I know this is probably worse on the both of you though, you both have tallies on your arms because of him and I don't."

"He was still your friend," Virgil said. "You're allowed to miss him too. Us loving him doesn't mean your feelings don't matter."

Logan didn't say anything, not knowing what else to say. He wasn't sure how to admit it to them or to himself just how much this bothered him. He knew his feelings towards his friend had changed now that he had lost him, and he knew what was most likely happening, but admitting it would only make things worse for himself. He didn't think he could bare it if he gained a new tally, so he pushed the thought aside and once again ignored his feelings.

"We should get up and get ready for school," Logan mentioned after a while of not saying anything. Patton and Virgil seemed to have already forgotten about school, and Logan pointing this out was an effective way of changing the subject without them noticing. Soon enough Patton and Virgil seemed to have forgotten about Logan opening up to them, and although he wished he could forget as well he was simply thankful to not have them worrying about him anymore.

****

"Logan?" Patton asked, breaking Logan out of his thoughts. That seemed to be happening a lot today, Logan noted. Even during class he had been called on for not focusing. "Did you hear me?"

"I'm sorry Patton, I zoned out. What did you say?" Logan asked, barely glancing at Patton as they continued walking towards his house. Patton frowned, watching Logan in concern.

"Are you doing okay, Logan? You haven't seemed like yourself today." Patton pointed out. Logan frowned as well, finally looking over at Patton for real.

"I am fine. Really, it is nothing." He insisted, but this time Virgil spoke up and cut him off from saying anything else.

"Logan, it's obviously not nothing. We... we get it. We know you miss him too, Logan. You're allowed to talk about this with us! We're your..." Virgil trailed off awkwardly, face flushing in embarrassment. He wasn't sure what he was to them yet. "I mean, we're here for you."

"I know," Logan sighed, looking back ahead of him. "I... can we talk about this once we're at Patton's house?"

"Alright. I think we might need to talk about something else today too..." Patton trailed off, looking to Virgil who nervously chewed his lip, shrinking further into his hoodie. Patton reached out to take his hand comfortingly. "Only if we're all ready, though."

Virgil relaxed a little at that, knowing that neither Patton or Logan would do anything he wasn't comfortable with. He was thankful for that, although he knew the conversation needed to happen at some point. The three of them made the rest of the walk in uncomfortable silence, none of them feeling too excited about what they had to talk about only minutes from then.