Tally Marks (Thomas Sanders PolySanders/LAMP fanfiction)

19

Warning: a very bad panic attack, and mention of scratching himself. The scratching isn't incredibly serious-it is a big part in the story and I still want people to be able to read it but just be safe. 💜💜

Virgil slammed the door to his bedroom as soon as he got inside, lungs burning and feet aching after running the whole way back. He could barely even focus on the pain however, mind preoccupied on what he had just done. What he had just thought of doing, and what his friends must be thinking at that time. He had no doubt that they would be worried for him, but he couldn't help but wonder if they still would be if they knew what had been going on with him.

Virgil himself wasn't even sure what to think of how he was feeling. It was crazy. He couldn't be thinking like that when he had a boyfriend, one that he still loved very very much. So what was happening? If he wasn't moving on from Roman then what was it he was feeling? He couldn't be in love with more than one person, right?

Virgil knew that it happened sometimes. He had heard stories from other people in relationships with more than one person, and sure it was normal and he didn't think it was weird for them. But what about him? What would everyone else think of him?

Virgil shook his head quickly, trying desperately to erase the thought from his mind. He wasn't in love with them. He couldn't be. He didn't have any tally marks after all, other than the one he got a year ago when he and Roman had gotten together.

Virgil suddenly winced at the thought of his boyfriend. What about Roman? His friends would surely think he was weird for what he had been thinking, but his own boyfriend? What if he got angry? What if he left him for it?

Virgil suddenly realized that that was probably the least that he deserved. This was wrong. He shouldn't be thinking of anyone else while he was with someone already who he loved more than anything. Even just having these stupid thoughts was terrible. Yet he had no idea how to just get rid of them.

Virgil suddenly tasted salt, being brought out of his thoughts abruptly and coming to the realization that he was crying, and he couldn't breathe. His lungs were still burning and he could feel it now, and he needed to calm down or he was going to pass out. He drew in long and shaking breaths, trying hard to focus on it and failing. He couldn't stop, he just couldn't help the panic that made him lose control of everything. He couldn't control it, he couldn't control any of it. He was falling and he couldn't stop it and what was the point of even trying anymore?

Virgil felt it suddenly, the itch on his wrist. It was so intense it hurt, and he just wanted it to stop. He didn't even think as his nails scraped against his skin, knowing it was likely leaving a mark as it burned but he didn't care, he just wanted it to go away. Finally, finally it stopped and he let his hand fall away, tears falling down faster now.

Virgil refused to look down, refused to look at the marks he knew were there, the marks he knew wouldn't go away. The marks he knew could completely end everything he had with Roman, Patton, and Logan, that he knew could make them all hate him. He let his head fall into his pillow, creating a wet spot from the tears he didn't think would ever stop falling.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he suddenly felt a buzzing in his pocket, jumping and scrambling to grab his phone. He made sure to use the hand that didn't have any tallies on it, unable to bear the thought of looking at them. He saw Logan's name appear on the screen of his phone, quickly declining the call and turning his phone off as he set it on his bedside table. He couldn't talk to any of them just yet-he didn't know if he would ever be ready to talk to them again.

Virgil was relieved when he realized his breathing had somewhat returned to normal as exhaustion caught up with him. He sat up a little to glance at the alarm clock beside of his bed-a nap wouldn't hurt, he thought to himself, carefully turning his pillow over to the dry side to lay down on. He curled into a ball, tallied arm hidden beneath the pillow he was laying on as he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force himself to drift off. At least in his sleep he wouldn't have to face the fact that he had two new marks on his arm that could potentially ruin his relationship and friendship.

****

It was a couple hours later when Virgil slowly woke up, his eyes still feeling heavy. He didn't feel much better than he had before falling asleep, but he was glad it had helped even a little. Panic attacks were always exhausting. Virgil sighed, bringing his hand up to rub at his eyes, opening them as he pulled his hand away and suddenly freezing.

There were in fact two new tallies on his arm-that much he expected. However, that wasn't what made him freeze. Virgil held his breath, sitting up slowly. His hands were shaking but he still reached out with one hand to run his fingers over the new marks, unsure whether or not he could believe what was in front of him.

Virgil slowly let out the breath he had been holding as he realized what exactly this must mean, thinking back to his friends again and once more feeling slightly panicked. However, this time it was for a different reason entirely. Because one of them knew. One of his new marks was black, and Virgil knew exactly what that meant.

One of his friends returned his feelings, and now they were going to find out about his.