Our Love Goes On and On

The Heart of Me

"You slapped him?!"

I nodded and bit down on my finger, "Really hard."

"Wow."

"I didn't mean to! It just happened."

Phil looked at me with so much sympathy in his eyes. I never was one to throw a pity party, but I wanted to vent.

"Then what happened?"

"I told him that I hate him, he said he hates me too, and we threw our rings down."

"Wow."

I woke up the next morning and I felt off balance without it. I had a tan on my finger from it being summer, well, the end of summer now.

"Where is he now?" Phil asked.

"I don't know, him and Dean left early this morning to go do something."

"I still can't believe you guys said all of that to each other."

I took a moment to suck the tears back into my eyes, not wanting to cry for the millionth time since it happened.

Phil handed me a tissue, "It sucks to hear this about you guys, Buttercup."

"It sucks to go through all the shit we've been through and still not be able to find a happy place." I wiped a few threatening tears with the tissue, "The entire time I kept telling him that I didn't have to be here. I was screaming at him, like, I don't want to be here anymore."

"You mean divorce?"

"I basically said I was going to divorce him and he didn't even flinch. He wasn't sad about, he didn't try and stop me from thinking about it, he just said 'okay'."

"Wow."

"Do you know how hard that is?" Phil handed me the entire box, because I needed it. "To tell your husband that you're about to leave him and he doesn't even move?"

"I bet that feels horrible."

"No, it's worse than horrible." I told him, "I don't even know what to do anymore."

"I think you've done all that you can do." he said, "I haven't seen you happy in a very long time, and it honestly bothers me. You're the happiest person I know when it's you and those girls. Drama always comes when you're around him and you get unhappy."

"I mean, I really do try to make us better. No couple is perfect, you know? But what can I do if he doesn't show up to the meetings?"

"Both of you guys agreed to go to this marriage counseling, Chase, it doesn't help if only one of you show up. I don't care what his excuse is, nothing is more important than your marriage and your family."

"Tell him that."

Phil inched over to me on the couch, "I will never tell you what to do with your marriage because I'd hate for people to tell me what to do with mine, but I think you've done all that you can do."

"I don't feel like I have, though. I feel like there is always something I can do."

"And you might feel that way, but it'll go away after a while."

"My gut is telling me to leave but my heart is telling me to try a little bit harder."

"What have you been listening to this whole marriage?" He asked.

"My heart."

"Maybe your gut is telling you to listen to it for once."

"Then what have I been fighting for? I've been in this marriage for almost four years and I'm just going to give up? What the hell have I been fighting for?"