You'll Be In My Heart

Chapter 10

I can't seem to stop. I can hear my own voice telling me that I can let it go and that it'll be there even if I'm not touching it. The truth is my hands haven't once left my bump since I sat down in my office chair. What else would I do with a large round orb connected to my body? Be non-amazed by it. Who do I look like Michelle Dugger?

No I'm totally kidding I shouldn't really be making jokes about such a fucked up life. Karma has always been a bitch to me, a fair bitch, but still a big one.

My hands keep circling it and gently rubbing it like a clairvoyant and her crystal ball. This must be that mom instinct, the one where all the mother can do is keep her hands on her child and protect it till the day she no longer can. I'm lightly this way with my nephew since he's been around me since he was a baby... a three day old baby. I really shouldn't be so stuck in my thoughts since I'm behind in writing questions and these mother fuckers are coming in at- oh in like ten minutes.

Fuck it. I'll improvise and stay in my thoughts till the first one walks in. Now where was I? Ah yes.

I remember when I was a little kid and much like other girls I pretended to be pregnant or a mom or something along those lines. I would push my stomach out and pretend to be carrying my own little one. I would rub it and do exactly what I'm doing now except there was something empty and soulless about the bump I was touching.

Maybe eleven years later I was at my neighbors baby shower. She was onto her second kid and with the way my pregnancy is so far I don't understand how the hell she could go through this shit twice. Or at least want to go through this shit a second time. Anyways I felt her bump and there inside of her was a life growing and thriving and... living. I could feel the difference between a nothing and a life within a person. It was just the way she carried her child so proudly and happily, it makes me want to be just like that with this baby.

So here I am rubbing my child and thinking about the future with it and it's daddy. Heh... if there's even a future between us. I guess I can't really scoff or get annoyed by the idea in anyway since the only person standing in our way is me.

I care about him and I love this baby, but I don't know what I want anymore. The fact is that it needs to stop being about what I only want. I guess that's one thing I've come to realize through this bull shit.

Marshall has his wants and desires, he has ideas he needs to fulfill with this baby even if he's gone through it almost three times before, but something he doesn't want is for us to get married. Do I want to get married?

I'm not doing that single mom thing where I refuse to get married or date anyone because I think that I'm independent and I can completely handle anything that life throws at me. I'm doing that life crisis thing, where suddenly something I didn't plan happens and everything I could ever want or desire myself changes completely.

This really sucks for Marshall because I normally stay straight with my ideas and the way I want to do things, but now I'm... not so mentally stable. Poor boy. I'm surprised he hasn't ran off again honestly, but the pregnancy is still early and running runs in his family. Hah. Miah you shouldn't be making fucking jokes like that. If he heard that there would be quite a fight on my hands.

Our fights can be interesting and this baby is going to learn that about us. Him and I are two of a kind when it comes to arguing with others and each other. We'll come to the point where fighting becomes a bloody war till one of us comes out on top and the other is left to bleed out. Like a wounded animal and the predator that hunts it down.

We've only ever been in three big fights since we've been together. The first one was over him going on tour for half a year to go through Europe, but I shut that shit down real quick. It was a very aggressive four way debate between Paul, Marshall, Jimmy Iovine, and I so that was a blast.