Change [Ricci Rivero, Completed]

Kabanata XLVIII

From: Ricci Rivero
Hi! I can't make it today for dinner, maybe some other time?

To: Ricci Rivero
Some other time? Kelan yon? Pag nakaalis na ako?
Ricci, hindi pa tayo nagkikita uli, malapit na akong umalis!

From: Ricci Rivero
I have plans and work, Alex :( Sorry na :(

To: Ricci Rivero
Di na ako kasama sa plans mo na yon?
Ge

From:
I'm sorry :(

I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn't get me back
You're the one who's gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn't get me back
That's what I wish that I could do to you, you
To you, you

Hi, I'm curious. Can I ask you a question?

Why do men cheat? After changing my heart and perspective in life, telling me he loves me, bakit natapos yin ng di ko nalaman? Couldn't they tell the girl straight na "Hindi na kita mahal." instead of cheating? Di ko gets kasi. So ano, naglolokohan tayo nanaman nung nga nakaraan? Hindi ko na alam kung alin ang totoo. Sabihin nalang sakin kung di na ako mahal kesa ginagago ako.

A few more weeks before I leave and just recently, I found out Ricci was cheating on me. Hindi ganung kalalang cheating, but it still is cheating.

I chose to keep quiet. Mahirap siyempre. Magbulagbulagan kahit may nakikita ka? You're making a fool out of yourself.

Gustong gusto ko din siyang saktan pero mahal ko yung tao. I want to kill him and his mistress but I couldn't get myself to do it. He gave me more reasons to hate myself— bakit? Am I not enough? Saan nanaman ako nagkulang? Saang parte nanaman ako hindi nakabawi sa sa kanya? Hindi na ako ang hinahanap ng mata niya? Ganon nalang yon?

Wish that I could help myself, give my love to someone else
Stuck to you, you turn me to a fool

Sinubukan kong humanap ng iba o ibaling sa ibang bagay ang atensyon ko pero siya parin ang hanap ko. Hindi pa man ako nakakaalis ay ginagago na niya ako, what more if I leave for New York already at nag LDR kami? Torture-in niya 'ko dahil siya lang ng siya ang iisipin ko? Idedefy ko ang timezones para sa kanya na iba naman ang kasama habang nagiintay ako? Putangina. Fuck people who cheat, bakit di kayo makuntento?

Worried 'bout my mental health, all the pain that I've done felt
Knocked me right off my own pedestal
I got a cup full of whiskey, 150

Ang habit ko that I quit when he came, one of the many things he influenced me to change was my drinking habit. Now, we keep secrets from each other too na hindi namin noon ginagawa.

I go to the club alone minsan or with Donny and Elliana. Umiiyak ako sa kanila. I cry alot when I'm drunk, alam niyong lahat yan.

"Alex, stop drinking na please." Elliana pleaded as I ask for another bottle of Jack sa bar. "Why don't you just tell--- why are you crying?"

At the other side of the bar, I saw Ricci with Lucia. They were flirting with each other and Ricci seems to like it. I was in shock. Sasabog na ako any minute from now.

"Donny, si Cci.." sabi ko and sobbed ng sobrang hina habang nakatingin sa direksyon kung nasaan sila. Donny looked at the direction kung saan ako nakatitig. Tinakpan niya ang mata ko and I broke down, every emotion flowed out of me. "Why do you have to do this? Pwede mo namang sabihin sakin na ayaw mo na kasi aalis na ako eh. Maiintindihan ko naman eh.." I cried even more and Elliana was shushing me, crying with me. "You didn't have to cheat? I gave you everything. I even gave you the privilege to change me and love me, tangina mo, ginamit mo lahat yon para sirain ako!" sigaw ko at hinawi ng dahandahan ang pagpipigil sakin ni Elliana na laklakin ang kalahati ng bote. Inagaw naman ito sakin ni Donny at inilayo. I couldn't stop crying. This shit is painful. You could've just told me you don't love me anymore, baka mas maiintindihan ko pa.

Moments later, Ricci kissed Lucia. Deeply, passionately. He smiled between their kiss. He kissed her lips, her neck giving her a hickey then back to her lips again at nagmomol session na. Puta, ang baboy niyo. Is this all because I'm leaving for New York to study at hindi niya matanggap ba maiiwanan ko siya dito? Hindi niya kayang magintay sa mga yearly visits ko? Ganon siyang kainsensitive at self centered? Akala niya gusto kong iwanan siya sa Pilipinas?  Eh kung ako nga lang, kung hindi sayang yung opportunity na yon, dito ako magaaral para nasusundo at hatid niya ako? Ang unfair at ang selfish.

"Ang sakit, please make it stop. Make the pain stop. I want to leave. I'm breaking up with Ricci. I'm breaking up with him. Tell him I am. I couldn't be any more stupid." I cried more at hindi ko magawang tumigil. Tinitigan ko pa, hindi naman nagbabago at nawawala ang mga nakikita ko.

Reasons to leave, I just pray that you'll miss me
Figures

I wanted to believe na it was all just a dream but every time I blink, yun at yun parin ang nakikita ko. Ang lalandi niyo. Ang baboy niyo. Tanginang cheaters. Fuck people who cheat. Disgusting pigs na hindi marunong makontento. Don't act like you're the victim afterwards kasi ginusto mo din yan panigurado. Wag mo na 'kong pagmumukhaing tanga kasi I won't believe you anymore. Go have fun with the person you cheated with on me because I wouldn't care any more and any less for you. I lost faith in you the moment you chose her over me. We're done. I will resent you forever. And don't come to me at sasabihin ako ang mahal mo. No. Choose her kasi probably she has something that I didn't have na nahanap mo sa kanya in which it involves not leaving for America.

"We leave 4 days from now. I called up your dad and pretended na gusto nating mapaaga don so we could explore. You have to have an escape from this. This could potentially wreck you." Donny said habang sobrang lakas parin ng hagulhol ko. "Stop drinking. Lets pack your things up. Wag ka nang magpapaalam sa kanya. He doesn't need to know." Mapapaaga ata ang alis namin ni Donny nito sa Pilipinas. At hindi na kami babalik. Hindi na ako sa kanya babalik.

If don't love me anymore, you could've just told me. If you don't want me to leave, I could reconsider, but really? Cheat on me? Good God, forbid what I'm thinking pero sana gawin din to sayo niyang babae mo para malaman mo kung anong pakiramdam ko.

***

hi why do people cheat and act like theyre the victim when the world knows about what they did? i mean, okay. honest mistakes yung iba dahil lasing but really? would you really believe na paniniwalaan yon? sabihin mo nalang na hindi mo na mahal, hindi yang nilaslas mi ang puso ng tao causing them to be scared of the people na siya ang pinipili kasi baka gawin nila yung ginawa mo. dont say sorry and act like nothing happened kasi it doesnt work that way.

hehe hi! ive been watching too much laida and miggy HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH bare with me! thaaaanks for the love! ❤