Change [Ricci Rivero, Completed]

Kabanata XLIX.I

You told me you love me so why did you go away?

I sat on the floor, packing my handcarried bag. I'm an emotional wreck after Ricci, Que and Brent left the house. Akala ko hindi na ako makakaramdam ng sobrang sakit dahil ninamnam ko na at susubukan kong maging better person, but I always fall weak on my knees kapag naaalala ko lahat.

The moment he left, I didn't help but watch him walk away at oo, kinaya ko but after that I broke down again. I never thought na magagawa niya sakin yon and his 'explanations' will never be enough to console my broken heart. If he really loved me, he should be happy for me and not treat my departure as a reason for him to cheat. I lost track of his capabilities to do that because it seemed like he loved me so much with no reservations.

Guess I was wrong.

I have always had this bad habit of reminiscing the memories of the past. I scrolled through my laptop's photo folders. Our photos, photos of me right before he came— everything. Tumingin din ako sa paligid ng kwarto ko at napakaraming bagay na nakakapagpaalala sakin sa kanya. Hirap akong bitawan, lalo na ang pagbabago na dinala niya sa buhay ko which is probably the best thing that has ever occured to me.

The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes & then you pull me in
I'm not much for dancin' but for you I did

I went out of my comfort zone and explored the world he wanted to show me. Now that he's gone and I have no intentions of letting him for the mean time, I admit, feel ko nawawala ako sa mundong hawak niya lang ang kamay ko all the time.

Tinitigan ko bawat picture namin, like one of those in the movies. Ang daming happy memories but still, I couldn't help but cry.

"Sayang, Ricci. Sayang sobra oh." sabi ko and I wiped my tears, trying to calm myself down bago ako magbreak down ng sobra as I look through our photos and all our memories.

And I hope the sun shines & it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed

I hope he finds that person na talagang hindi niya na mahahanapan ng rason to cheat on and that one person he'd be willing to love whole heartedly at hindi niya pagiisipan na saktan. Sabi niya nga, cheating is a choice and I really hope dun sa susunod, he wouldn't have to make that choice again.

You can plan for a change in the weather & time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

I was not prepared to leave without him and lagi ko nang naanticipate since that day I knew I was leaving for New York na pagbalik ko, si Ricci ang sasalubong sakin sa airport. By that time, we'd be professional in our own fields. Doktor na ako mula sa New York School of Medicine, Inhinyero na siya na graduate naman sa UP at probably considered to be included sa mga maglalaro ng professional basketball for the country. Mangyayari parin naman yon, this time around lang talaga, we can't be there for each other anymore since destiny decided na hanggang dito nalang kami.

I will always love Ricci although he caused me this much pain. Miserable, traumatic pain.

"How can I forget the one person who made me believe in me as much as he did? Never."

Paniguradong pagbalik ko years from now, mga bagong tao na kami. Hindi na mga tambay sa mga coffee shop sa Taft at pakalat kalat oara gumimik. Eventually, we'd be mature persons at makakalimutan na naming magunwind since mas independent na kami by that time.

Nasira man kami, I'd still be always proud of him. Ricci's the strongest and most persistent person I know and alam kong hell never let his dreams fade. I may not be able to sit beside him anymore, I will always, always, look after Ricci from far away. That's something na hindi ko maiipangakong maiiwasan ko but I know at some point makakalimutan ko din siya. Not all of him, but that part of him that has hurt me.

"I will always cherish the happy moments and ofcourse the very first day we met. Not all things are meant to last forever but little did I know our love was part of that."

I cried through the night and packed away all the gifts he's given me. Even the shoes, shirts and dried flowers I framed, I kept it inside the stock room without any plans of revisiting it. Maybe soon.

Maybe when I'm healed.

Maybe when I get back.

Maybe when I'm fine and have forgotten everything.

"God, I love you but I don't want to love you anymore." I cried my final tears and kept the door shut, sealing our memories inside a confined room so it wouldn't escape and hurt me much more further.

****

you were mine
to love
but never mine
to keep
-r.k

stay,
i whispered as you shut the door behind you
-r.k

he isn't coming back
whispered my head
he has to
sobbed my heart
-r.k