I got no excuses,
For all of these goodbye's,
Call me when it's over,
'Cause I'm dying inside.
"Another one." I mumbled as I set my 4th bottle down, I wasn't drunk, but just lost and alone. I felt horrible I couldn't face the world anymore, I had to tell my family goodbye and my friends. I didn't know what to believe, or see. I couldn't handle it anymore and I knew what I was doing was wrong, but can you blame me?
My heart felt like it was ripped out and stamped upon, my mind was like the sea. It could be calm and lovely, but then there comes one wave making the sea destroy almost everything in it's way, the sea would be like a tsunami letting nothing survive in it's way. Then there is you, a simple person swimming in the sea, until it gets rough and worse, you'll be pulled under water and as fast as you try to get up you'll only get deeper and deeper. You'll only come up when you will let it, but if you're drowning you try to reach up and that is where most people are wrong. You can't swim up with thoughts surrounding you like you're in a crowd full of people.
You have no way out.
Wake me up when the shakes are gone,
And the cold sweats disappear.
Call me when it's over,
And myself has reappeared.
I opened my eyes slowly looking up at the ceiling, blinking a few times to remember how I got here.
"I bought you back."
I looked up to see Rye standing in the doorway, a glass of water in one hand and pain killers on the other. "I found you passed out on the stairs." Rye stated and gave me the water and pain killers.
"Why do you keep doing this Brooke? It's been a year since the accident." Rye looked down, pain clearly in his eyes, I bit my lip and felt the tears run down my cheeks.
"I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why. I do it every, every, every time. It's only when I'm lonely" I let out a small sob out, "Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight. I try and I try and I try and I try and I try, just hold me, I'm lonely." I completely broke down in sobs.
Rye immediately pulled me in a tight hug, "I wish I had done something Rye." I cried out, crapping Rye's shirt. Rye just simple held me tightly against himself as he just let me cry my heart out.
Momma, I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore
And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor.
It was a week since my break down with Rye, he also told the boys about it, they all kept a closer look on me these week.
I felt like death, my mind was blank, my feelings empty, my mouth dry. Today marked a year since I lost my parents, I knew better to not lock myself up. But can you blame me? No you can't.
I sat on the ground of my bedroom I shared with Jack, but he left for the days being. I looked next to my legs on the floor there where lying a few bottles of alcohol, some had spilled on the floor making me just want to cry my eyes out. I looked up at the ceiling, tears running over my cheeks, almost like someone put the shower on tje highest stand and didn't shut it off.
To the ones who never left me, we've been down this road before
I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore.
"How long will he be doing this?"
"I don't know Andy, but he lost both of his parents. It is a horrible thing to experience."
"We know that Rye. But he isn't getting better."
"How can you decide for him? You can't tell him when he's over it Blair."
"He has been down this road before Rye, remember 3 months after the funeral?"
"Just leave Brooklyn!"
I'm sorry to my future love
For the man that left my bed
For making love the way I saved for you inside my head.
"Brooke?"
I looked up from the place I apparently fall a sleep in, "I got the extra key." Rye chuckled as he sat next to me. "Do you think I'm being pathetic?" I looked down at my hands only for Rye to pull my chin up by his index finger.
"Don't think like that Brooke. Your still hurt, it will not just simply go. And if people don't like it, well forget them."
Rye pulled me closer and slowly crashed our lips together, I felt tears make their way down again as I pushed myself more on him.
Rye pulled me on his lap, kissing me deeply, trying to let me forget about everything. And it helped, just for a split second. I looked next to me seeing Rye sleeping peacefully, how I wish I could be like that.
I looked back at the ceiling and sighed. I just wanted to be happy again, Rye is my happiness he really is, but the pain I'm feeling hurts to much.
And I'm sorry for the fans I lost
Who watched me fall again
I wanna be a role model,
but I'm only human.
"The fans miss you." Jack stated as I was sitting on the sofa again, after what is like months, Andy looked at me sadly trying to read my expression which was only cold like ice. "I'm sorry I let them down." I said in a voice which even I wondered if it was mine.
I stood up and walked out of the flat, not sharing any of them a look. I put my hands in my pockets, breathing heavily as I saw my breath making small clouds. Giggling I did it again, smiling. I love winter.
I walked around town for a while until I was face to face with a club.
Should I?
No I can't..
But what would it matter anyway?
Rye would be furious at me..
I looked away and ran back home, knocking on the door until Rye opened it, I looked into his eyes, almost bringing myself to tears again. I needed help and I knew Rye would help me.
"I'm sorry that I'm here again
I promise I'll get help
It wasn't my intention
I'm sorry to myself."
