So... I'm 19 and I've been depressed for the last seven years. It's been a year and a few months since I started treatment and although it seemed to be working the first few months I've been feeling at my lowest for some time now, I don't even know when it started but it's been at least 3 or 4 months.
In 2015, I've managed to find a decent job as a hostess. I was sixteen when I first started and I'm still working here. It pays well, my coworkers they always have this look on their faces like they just don't want me there. I'm smiling and I'm being nice to all the customers and coworkers, it just drains me to see that whatever I do is not good enough. This job helped me though, it helped to pay my college tuition.
I'm trying my best but still I feel like everything ends up being so shitty no matter what. I'm just so so tired of trying and I have no hope that I will ever not feel like I'm garbage.
I sincerely want to die, my meds seem like they wouldnt to the job and it would be a fucking nightmare to just wake up 3 days later and realizing I've failed.
I'm wasting so much time and nothing is getting better, and the more my life goes on like this, the worst everything is going to get.
I don't know what's been up this past year. Obviously I have memories from when I was young. But it seems like since july 2016, time has been passing a lot quicker than it did before and it's like I can remember my life month by month a lot more visibly. Before that it's sort of patchy, but still there.
I really cannot believe last April was an entire year ago. It's terrifying, if I'm being honest. I don't know how to manage. I really need to get my fucking act together and I'm trying my damn hardest but it's so fucking difficult, and very easy to lose your way as soon as you start trying to fix things. I don't have the motivation and I sort of don't feel the urgency. Logically, I know this entire situation is bad and I need to start fixing shit. But, I don't know, emotionally and mentally, I suppose, all I can manage to do is work or watch tv all day as well as other pointless shit and think 'this is a problem for future me, I worry too much, let's just try to do what I want for just one day' — I simply don't have the motivation for anything. There's a lot of problems in my life like how utterly ugly I am, how I have no friends in this world and my family are abusive, I have no talents and there's more but I won't go on because I realize this rant is dragging on.
Basically, I need to try to rebuild my life but I don't know where to start, and I don't even have the motivation to start, and the longer I go on living like this and leave it, the worse everything is going to get. and it sucks.
