LOST IDENTITY

Chapter Six

MUKARRAM
  True to Ahmad's words  his uncle is indeed  a learned scholar not that I know the criteria to be one.  He gave me a resounding Nasiha that shook me to the core and made me hate  my life  the more. I am going to start from the basics  just 3year olds do. Pathetic right?  Yeah I know,   I feel same too.

He doesn't  need to ask me anything further because his nephew  had told him everything. He advised me to start hanging out with good people who will benefit me in ways more than one. I don't think I can because I hate being  around people. Two or three won't hurt though.  I feel remorseful for treating Ahmad  badly earlier and I apologized  for that to which he said it was okay. We drive around town him showing me a few  places I don't know of before I finally drop  him off at his father's  house.

" Come in and say hi to Mamma " he offered.

"Thanks man... But not today next  time" I can't tell him that my heart can't endure seeing him and his mom looking at him with love and adoration  in her eyes. Not today.

Reaching home,   I lay in bed for what seemed like  forever crying bitterly for a wasted 23years of life. I went to the masjid for maghrib and stayed there saying the istighfar that Ahmad taught me only leaving after 10pm when it is time to lock up. A lot of people are giving me curious glances probably  wondering why all of a sudden a guy who has never come to the masjid is in the masjid looking remorseful.

I saw Ahmad's  numerous missed calls which I return immediately.

" Sorry!  I was at the masjid and I left the phone at home " I apologized feeling awkward  because I hardly apologize. I don't really interact with people to even know the importance of an apology. It just came naturally today.

" Don't bother.  Just called to check up on you. How are you holding up?  "he inquired  with a voice laced with concern for me. Someone he met at work, someone who has been nothing but rude to him.

" should I be honest with you? " I asked.

"Yes " he encouraged me to go on. Wiping and invisible  sweat on my forehead  I continue after making myself comfortable on a couch.

" I feel awful and I hate myself  right now but it is nothing compared to the kind of  hatred I feel towards my parents. I also feel grateful that you are willing to help me even though I need it but undeserving of it. I feel like if I die today then I'm going straight to hell and all these things confuse me and scare me " I rambled. The longest sentence I've spoken in almost five years.

" it's  okay to feel that way but don't beat yourself  over something you cannot change. Yeah your past was a nightmare so make your future worthy and filled with light. The end game for you is to work hard,  learn your  religion and attain the pleasure of Allah for He is Most Forgiving  Most Merciful.  Stop hating your parents because they are your key to jannah. I know it is not easy but you will slowly learn to respect them and who knows maybe love them like you should? " he said in a comforting voice.

We discussed for a while. Me asking him questions about Islam which he expertly answered in details. I then asked where I can get the qira'a he played in my car and he told me the app to download. I am not a fan of any social media  account but I downloaded WhatsApp  after subscribing for data . I then downloaded any Islamic app I come across in play store.  That  night I slept like a baby.

I made a schedule for each day. Wake up as early as 3am learn some verses read about Islam online and pray  four raka'ats before going  to the masjid for fajr.  I will dress for work immediately  after which I'll go to Ahmad's uncle's  house for my lessons coming back after 10pm.

I didn't  hear from my parents and I am glad. I've  never even thought of going  to the hotel to relapse back to my old habit and I'm  thankful for that. It made me wonder that maybe I really am not  addicted to it but doing  it as a rebellion  against  those who didn't even  care to notice the kind of  life I'm living. Ahmad  and I became budding  buddies and it's  good to have someone to call a friend. Someone whom  you can trust  and bare  out your soul to. Someone who brings you closer to Allah and makes you wanna become a better person. I  will  forever be in his debt.