To Love and Lost {Ziam Paylik}

Chapter Two

*Zayn's POV*

I made it home safely last night. Mom was in the kitchen cooking when I walked in the house. She asked me why I was home late, but I didn't answer her. I ran upstairs and locked my bedroom door. I threw my shirt off and looked at my arm. Fresh cuts and scars is all that you will see. When that guy grabbed my arm, he opened up a cut trying to close. It didn't really hurt me, but it hurt alittle. I walked over to my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. On the mirror was written:

Ugly, unwanted, freak, dork, faggot, unloved, mistake, and Lost.

Lost was the biggest word written on the mirror. I was a lost soul and the words around it was just a few names I've been called my whole life. Everytime I look at it, I see pain. I cut it front of those words, trying to make them see what they are doing to me. But they will never see. They will never see what thery are doing to me. I tried a hundred times to wash it away and not to believe those words, but I can't. Everything on there is true and always will be true.

I look past the words and look at myself. I had bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. I always have nightmares and I can't sleep when I have them, so I'm normally up all night. My hair was a mess. They beat me up today and grabbed my hair. I had a bruise on my jaw that was now bright purple. I cover it up abit even though my mom won't notice, she never notices me. I walk away from the mirror and throw on another sweater. Yes its like 70° outside but I can't let anyone see what I'm doing to myself.

I walk downstairs and sit on the couch. I bring my knees up to me and lay my chin on them. I hear my sisters come downstair, laugh and talking about the day they had. My older sister, Doniya, looks at me and smiles. I try to smile back but I fail at it. She noticed and frowned at me. My other two sisters keep talking about go to the kitchen for dinner. I don't eat because I'm fat. I don't need to eat, I'm never hungry anyways.

"Zayn, come on dinners ready." My mom says softly. She noticed that I don't really eat, but she doesn't say anything. "I'm not hungry. I just need to sleep." I stand up and she frowns at me. I give her a weak smile and turn to go up stairs. I open my door and shut it behind me. I fall on my bed and cover up my body. I don't know why I have to live this life. I don't know why they what to see me break and bleed in front of their faces. I was about to fall asleep when I seen my door open. I looked up and seen Doniya standing there with a small smile.

"Hey, how you feeling?" Doniya was the only one who cared for me. No she didn't know what I was doing or what was happening in my life, but she still cared for me. I sat up and patted the bed next to me, telling her to sit. She sat down and we sat in silence. It wasn't an awkward or uncomfortable silence, but it was barible. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She was lost in her words, not knowing the right ones to say.

"I seen you like this latly, Zayn. And its breaking my heart to see you like this. I don't know what's going on or how you are managing, but know that I am here for you. I don't want to see you go. I love you." I feel tears running down my face as I get up to hug her. She was the only person who understood. She was the only person who saw my pain. She hugged me back, crying also. I didn't want to die, just not yet. I didn't know hurting myself, I was hurting her. And that's not what I wanted. I wanted her to be happy, but she wasn't because she's always worried I'm going go kill myself.

"I'm sorry, Doniya. I'm so sorry. I'm not trying to, I'm really not, but its so hard. Its hard. I don't want to die but it feels like I'm slipping away everyday. Its not fair what I have to live through, no one understands." I cry even harder. I hate my life so much, I don't want to live this way. I want to be happy, I want to be loved, I just need someone there for me. I need someone to tell me its going to get better and help me through the pain. And I now have one person and I never let her in. I never let anyone in.

She hugs he tigher and we sit like this for moments. I never wanted to let her go. She was the only one in my family that cared. The only on in my life that cared. And I needed to keep her. I can't push her away like I push everyone else. Maybe if I keep her, I can't get so much off my chest and I won't have to hold in all this pain anymore. I just need that one person to listen to me, to see and feel my pain. She wount feel it physically, but she will emotionally.

She pulls away and looks me in the eyes. "You my only brother, Zayn. And I love you to death. I can't see you slip away like this. You are holding back so much and not getting enough off your shoulders and chest. I'm here to listen, Zayn. I'm not going anywhere." She gives me a heart warming smile and I'm going to tell her. About my depression, axniety and self harming. I need to have someone listen to me. I need to get if off before I slip away for good. I stand up, wipe my tears away and pull her to my bathroom. She looks around and her eyes land on my mirror. She reads every word on there and she tears up again.

"This is where my day starts. I come in here and read these words everyday. I try to wash it away, but you can't wash away the truth. I listen to them and they yell and scream at me. Then I come over here and sit. I go in the cabinet and grab these" I say while showing her my blades. They were the closest thing I had to me "And I work on this every morning" I roll up my sleeve and show her the 'Art Work' as I call it, on my arm. She gasps and covers her mouth. She begins crying again as she stands there and looks at my arm. I continue "Then my day goes on to school. I get bullied every single day, and those words are what they call me. They beat me up in the bathroom, hallways and locker room. Then I run home everyday so they can't get me. Because I feel safe in my room. I don't feel safe in this house because no one cares for me. Then I come back in here and read these words again, cutting again and then going to bed. I starve myself everyday because of the pain eats me away. I did this everyday for the last 5 years."

Doniya walks over to me sitting on the toilet and kneels down. She doesn't wipe her tears up. "I'm sorry it took me so long, Zayn. If I would have spent more time on you, none of this would have happened. I'm so, so sorry!" She hugs me and I hug her back. It feels good to tell someone all my problems and they are here to help and listen. "Can I touch them?" She point to my arm. I nodded and she runs her finger over my scars and open cuts. She cries again and looks at me. "You're going to be okay. You're going to be okay." And I try to believe that.

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I'm so sorry for writing this! I know its sad and you might have cried because I know that I did. I cried while writing this. Iccouldnt help it but I thought you needed to know Zayn personally. Thanks for reading and don't forget to vote and comment! (:

Random Question: What's your favorite bromance? Mine are Larry and Ziam. (;

Love, MaliksGirl90 xxxx