Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

16.

I'm thinking about changing the cover to this ^^ should I???

CATALINA

Does it really matter that a lady who I've never known wrote me a letter all those years ago and sent a stupid picture of us? I mean.... I guess it does, because I didn't even know that I wanted to know her until now.

I sit on the kitchen counter and wait for mother- or lady who adopted me to walk through the door. I mean necessarily she is my mother, she's the one who raised me and tried to give me the life my other mom wanted for me. It's stressful to have two people you call mom. Even though only one of them is an actual mother.

The front door opens and I can hear the rain pouring outside more clearly. She walks through the door with a few bags in her hand which causes her to close the door with her foot.

"I bought you your favorites from the store and a frozen pizza because I won't be cooking tonight." She says, sitting her bags on the counter.

"Uhm can I ask you a question?"

"Yes, of course. What?"

"I was looking for my school I.D and I found this letter.... I guess it's from my real mom. I was supposed to get it in my 18th birthday and you didn't give it to me. Why?"

"What are you talking about?" She furrows her eyebrows and there's genuine confusion behind her tone.

"This?" I show her the envelope and her eyes widen.

She lets out a quiet gasp before she begins to rant. "Jesus Christ I am so sorry, I completely forgot I even had that. I swear I would've never kept it from you- I'm so sorry."

"It's fine I guess." I shrug.

I can see that she feels horrible about it but it's not like it means too much of anything. I mean if she wanted me to find her she would've left more than just her initials. I don't know what to feel, having a small piece of her after all these years. I know that I care but I just feel like I don't. Does it even matter?

"Well.... how do you feel?" The woman in front of me speaks up as she unpacks her grocery bags.

"I don't know." I shrug.

I truly don't know.

*********

"Would it be wrong if I wanted to find my real mom?" I ask August.

Besides myself he's literally the only person I have to talk to. I know that he has no one to tell and really no space to judge me.

"I don't know." He shrugs, not knowing how to respond to the random question.

"It's a legit question. I need a real honest answer."

"Well how am I supposed to know what to say. Either you want to know her or you don't.."

"Forget it." I roll my eyes when I become impatient with his stupidity.

I don't know what kind of advice I was even expecting. In his defense how could anyone answer that question. He doesn't know how I feel about her.

"If she was my mother and I didn't know her. I would want to find out at least something." He speaks up during the silence in attempt to redeem himself.

"but like.. why? If she didn't want me to begin with."

"I don't know.. just because- I guess she's technically your mother. That had to count for something."

"Kind of. It doesn't matter though it's probably not going to happen." I shrug it off.

Even if it was an option for me to reconnect with her I wouldn't know where to start. Do I type in her initials? I don't even know what to assume besides the fact that her last name must be De'LaRosa just like mine.

"Why not?"

"because I don't know anything about her so it's not like it'd make a difference if I wanted to know her or not."

"Why the sudden interest anyway?" He leans down to pick up an empty water bottle.

"That's not important."

I keep asking myself what does a note change because I want to stray away from the idea or her actually caring for me. I want to leave behind the thought that she hated me so much that she couldn't give me a name and she did. That's what shocks me the most.

My whole life I've just had not other choice but to believe the worse. Why else would a person carry you around for nine months and then give you up? They must've looked at you and decided they didn't want you.

Then I look at it in a way of her wanting to give me life but not being the one left teaching me how to live it. I can't make any excuses for someone who hasn't given me a proper one herself.

"So you just woke up and wanted to look for your mom? After seemingly despising her as long as I've been talking to you."

"I found this letter she wrote for me to open on my eighteenth birthday but I didn't get it until yesterday and I don't know." I explain. "I don't know how I should feel. Like do i feel bad for the way I've thought of her or do I just not care because its still inexcusable."

"Oh." He nods his head.

I almost turn around to glare at him but I realize that he shouldn't have to say anything. He's not my guidance counselor, nor is he a close friend of mines.

"Well I guess it's okay to not know how to feel because it's true that you can be both mad but still sympathetic. It's true that she gave you up, but it's true that she wrote you a letter- I don't know what to say. Sorry." He trails off before he gets to finish.

"No. It's fine you can say what you were going to say." I honestly need any words of advice that I can get.

"I lost my train of thought when I was saying she wrote a letter. It's a confusing topic I see why you feel all over the place."

I nod my head. At least I know it's actually a confusing subject and I'm not the issue. I thought it was because I haven't felt anything in so long that I almost don't know what I'm feeling.

"If you want to look for her, I'll help you." He offers bravely.

"Huh?" I furrow my eyebrows, shocked at his words.

"Never mind-"

"No. I wasn't going to say no. I'm in no position to decline I was just shocked that's all."

"Oh. Well that's if you want to."

I didn't really think about it until he suggested his help. That makes it seem more real, almost like it isn't as impossible as it seems.

"So you'll help me if I wanted you to?"

"Why not?"

"I don't know.... thank you."

"It's not a problem."

Now I just have to figure out if actually want to go on a 'Mommy Hunt.'

****

It feels odd sitting beside August in his bed at his apartment. Scary would be a more proper word even.

I don't know if it's scary that I have no clue what his true intentions could be or scary because somehow we ended up close enough to be here. Although close isn't a proper word considering the idea that we're anything but that.

I shuffle over to the end but he just slightly rolls his eyes at me when I do so.

I guess it's either now or never.

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This chapter is short but I had to push myself to write it so yeah