Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

70

Made this edit of Catalina with black hair because I'm literally so bored. Also, you should go read my new book it's good af
AUGUST

"Alright, we can do this." I huff, speaking to Alyssa as I sit her down in her super seat.

I've only been a single parent for three days and it's harder than anything I've ever had to do before. I have to put my constant worrying aside every time Alyssa needs something—which is often because she's an infant—and act like everything is fine. I sit by Lily's bed side waiting for a change. Anything. Even if she moves her left finger instead of her right finger I'll be satisfied. It's still a chance that she could wake up and recover properly. I try talking to her, hoping that maybe she can hear me. If she hears my voice and I tell her that everything will be fine then she won't be as scared; she'll know that she's not alone.

I clear my throat and tilt my head as I admire her. Even like this she's something to admire. I get crippling fear thinking about what I'll do if I don't get to see her everyday. I glance around to make sure no one is watching me before I speak.

"Hi." I say quietly. I know it's stupid, but it helps me cope more than any other method. "Uhm, I don't- I don't know what to say to you, but we miss you, and that I'm so so sorry— and that I love you, of course."

When I look up and stare at her face, nothing has changed. I'd kill just to see her smile right now. I've never had many bad days recently, but whenever I did, she was right there with me. The last thing I was expecting was this. I never thought about how I'd handle my bad days without her because I never planned on it. I never noticed how much I want to have her in my life forever until now. And if she never wakes up she'll never know that.

All I'll have left is regret and hatred. Even now, I'm filled with hate and want to know who did this to her; until I think about the fact that if it wasn't for all the anger that I carry around inside of me, then she wouldn't be here. I put both her and Alyssa in danger because the only way I know how to solve my problems is through anger. I need to do something to keep them safe. When Lily wakes up, I have to do something to make sure that nothing like this will ever happen again.

If she ever wakes up.

CATALINA

My adoptive mother and I aren't as close as we used to be when I lived with her, or as close as we used to be before someone died in her front room under my supervision. We talk every once in a while, but it's safe to say that we've both moved on in our lives. She raised me and I think that's the only reason she still checks on me, pretending that she cares. She does it for her guilt so she doesn't feel like she abandoned me, but me knowing that its barely genuine only makes it worse than abandonment.

I can't stand to be around her because I always feel like she's looking at me like I'm a murderer or something. I remember when I was cleaning up the stains because Christian told me calling the police would make a mess of things, and she walked in, dropped her bags, and stared at me like I had just slaughtered someone. No amount of explaining could change what she saw, and I feel like she's been looking at me like that ever since— so I avoid having to wallow in guilt and shame by never being around her. She could have a baby now for all I know.

She used to be the only person I'd talk to for many years, and now we don't talk at all. We both seemed fine with the not talking arrangement, so when she called me yesterday wanting to talk, I didn't know what to say. How do I even start? The last time I saw her was at my 21st birthday party a year ago. I'm almost 23 now and not even the same person. We're so far behind that I don't want to get caught up; we could leave things silent and awkward like we never met.

"She doesn't know me that well anymore, so don't say anything absurd." I warn Catarina as we get out of the car. She practically begged to meet one of them and I practically screamed no, hoping that they'd be busy because I want to keep my past and present separate. I pray she doesn't want to meet Ashton next. She met him once at my party, but him and I were merely friends with measly crushes on each other. Now we're engaged.