Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

76.

AUGUST

"I hate happy people." Melody gags as she stares at Catalina and Ashton across the room smiling and showing each other their competitive 'dance moves'.

"You hate everyone." I mumble, watching Lily's closed door with sharp eyes.

I don't even think Catalina hates as many people as Melody does. It's nice to see Catalina smiling and laughing, but once again, it's no thanks to me. She looks so pretty, I feel bad for ruining her day entirely all because mine was already on a downwards spiral. Being lockdowned in her apartment because someone tried to kill me isn't exactly what I had in mind when Melody suggested we come here.

The only person I'm really torturing is myself. Lily is behind the room doors, she's only come out once to grab a drink and went back in. I heard Alyssa cry but I think she's asleep now. I stand up and just look at the white door like I'm afraid to knock on it. I am afraid though. What am I going to do if we talk and she decides that she's done for real? The only thing that's stopping me from being absolutely gutted is the hope that she'll forgive me, but if I go talk to her and she doesn't what do I do then?

It's not like I'll find out what she thinks by staring at the door.

I turn around to look at Ashton and Catalina and see them having a quiet conversation, laughing and smiling at each other. I know for a fact that their relationship has had tremendous ups and downs—I've even caused some— and they look happy. If Lily and I truly love each other then I think we can get through this.

"I've made a list of all the people I need to apologize to." I say out loud.

Catalina has the most subcategories listed by her name but I don't even know how I'd begin to apologize to her. I think the both of us would agree that there's nothing a sorry could really do at this point.

"Okay....so apologize."

"I can't." I say. I can't yet because I won't mean it. I'm sick of saying sorry when I know that I'm not really sorry. My issue is that most of the bad things I've done I feel like I was justified in, the only thing I'm ever sorry about is the people I hurt. They're always hurt by the thing I did and to me the thing I did isn't what I'm apologizing for: that's why they never work.

Lying to Lily is the first offense of mine where I actually feel regret about the crime more than the consequence. I am sorry that I hurt her, but I'm even more sorry for lying to her. I tell myself that I had to lie because if I told the truth I would've lost her sooner, but the excuses don't work anymore. If I wasn't being selfish I would have told her. I don't know how I convinced myself that her not knowing was better for her— it was better for us and all I cared about was the part that involved me.

I knock on the door of her room gently, wiping my sweaty hands on my jeans and sighing. I'm much better at writing notes, I can express myself without getting nervous looking at her face as I speak. However, she deserves more than a sheet of paper telling her how I feel.

Lily opens the door, but when she sees that it's me who was knocking she doesn't look too thrilled. I peek inside to see the nicely decorated room with Alyssa sleeping in  a little bedside crib placed next to the bed.

"Can we talk, please." I'm literally begging her. This is the longest we haven't spoken to each other and despite everything, I know that she misses me too.

"No." She closes the drawers in front of the mirror roughly.

"Why?" I step inside of the room.

"because you're a liar and you've added cheater and hoe to the list too so?"

"I didn't cheat." I shouldn't disagree with her, but I also don't want her to be mad at me for something I didn't even technically do. "I'm not saying it was okay, it wasn't."