Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

82.

Coming soon ^^^^

CATALINA

I find myself running my fingers over my ribs and using the thought of my growing baby breaking one of them as a distraction. My life had fallen apart in the span of a day—legitimately right before the best day of my life. Now, I have to worry about if I'll be glued back together for my wedding Saturday. The thought of it still excites me but after everything, as soon as I think about my wedding I think about the fact that it could still go so wrong— the rehearsal was proof of that.

Christian was supposed to be the one to walk me down the aisle but after the way he deliberately said something he knew would hurt me for his own personal gain, I can't imagine it happening. I have no idea what I'll do about that, plus I'm completely unmotivated when it comes to my vows because in every sweet line I write, the back of my mind comes up with a negative counterpart.

Not to mention the void I feel now that I know August is out of my life for good. It's normal to grieve when you lose a person who's been a part of you for such a long time— good or bad. I knew that I always had him to hate. It was the one thing in my life I didn't worry about changing or dropping out of the door at any given moment. While I do feel relieved knowing the void will pass and I'll officially move on with my life for real this time, I think it's normal to feel different.

"What's wrong?" Ashton sits next to me on his side of  the bed.

"You know when you lose your virginity?" I sigh as I stare at the wall in front of me.

"No. I've never had sex, so...." He shrugs and I roll my eyes.

"Well, this part of you just feels gone and it's an overwhelming lapse of emotions because it's like ... I was this and now I'm not; and you just want to cry because you're moving on and this thing you had for so long isn't who you are anymore." I explain, fumbling over bunched up words and sentences.

"Catalina if you want me to know that you broke up with August just say that." He teases me, smiling.

"No, that's not what I'm saying." I chuckle. "I'm saying that it feels weird. Like I knew him before I knew anyone who I currently have in my life. He obviously wasn't my friend or anything good to me at all, but at least the hatred was consistent. It made me feel like not everything was changing. I'm not sure if I can do anything my life is heading into, but at least I always knew I could take out all my anger on him — which was wrong, but not as wrong as what he's done."

"And I don't want to turn into one of those happy, nice people who smile at strangers and holds doors  or laugh all the— oh my god, I'll be you!" I gasp in fake horror.

Ashton laughs. "It's great being me. If you want to, I can show you how to smile at strangers."

I huff and lay my head on his shoulder.

"I think that you're just afraid that you'll be happy." Ashton wraps his arm around me. "You've never been completely happy because you always knew that there was someone around who could ruin it at any given moment. Now that won't be a thing and there's nothing standing in the way of you being happy."

"Except our baby coming out with a tail and fur." I sigh, making a joke to deflect from the fact that he's right.

No matter how happy I've been, I've never been able to bask in the freedom of happiness out of fear that something tragic would happen. Once I leave I know that there won't be anything pulling me back and I won't have to walk in a store praying that I don't see August there. I won't have to look at the coffee shops that my mother and I sat in before she died and I won't have to pass the school I met him in. There will be nothing around to remind me of my past and I won't be in the middle of a good moment and pass a building that makes me frown.