Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

56.

AUGUST

It was dark. It was windy outside, so I made sure I wore a jacket. The jacket was blue and it had a green zipper....I bought it a long time ago for a party. I had just waved goodbye to Kaden, it was late so I wanted to get home and get a good nights sleep. I was going early because Lily never gets off of work before I go to sleep, but that night she would have. I wanted to see her and then I was going to go to sleep. That's it. That's all I remember from the night of my attack: my jacket, waving goodbye to Kaden, wanting to see Lily, and thinking about going to bed.

I sit in my bed playing with the dry eraser board on my lap. Not being able to talk might possibly be the worse thing to ever happen to me. It's nothing but well deserved Karma, but I thought that I'd at least be able to look my karma in the eyes. Instead, I was face to face with black hoodies in a dark alley way. If you could see me now, you'd forget that I'm a murderer, and only wonder what I could've possibly done to be hurt so badly. I find myself wondering what I did, but then I think about how I deserve it. My karma was bound to come, and the only reason I'm alive right now is because it's not done with me.

Catalina's boyfriend, aka 'Dr.Evans', sits in the chair across the room. Being stuck with a patient all day because they keep asking for you was the worse thing I could think of, so here he is. I can't get through the day if I don't annoy someone at least once.

He's also the best doctor they have—at least that's what I heard, they were probably lying— and I'm too angry to settle for anything other than the best. The nurse who said it might've been telling the truth though. The guy can look at me and tell me why I'm in pain. I hope I don't sneeze wrong and he tells me that I have a tumor or something, I'd rather not know. At least Catalina is dating someone smart. If they get married, at least he'll have enough money to support her— because I'm sure she's going to get fired from a few jobs for being too emotional.

I throw my pen at him to get his attention. With an exasperated sigh, he turns around to pick it up and look at me. "What?"

I wave my hand with a false smile.

"You don't like me." He spins around in the chair to grab the binder on the desk. "Which is okay I guess, but why?"

Easy.

'Dating...the love of my life'. I write on the board he gave me and turn it around so that he can read.

Catalina is the love of my life, undoubtedly. At least, she was meant to be until I murdered her mother. There's no way God didn't make us for each other. I know that us meeting was my doing and not God's, but that's only because he wanted me to initiate it. I'm sure that he intended for me to fall in love with her before I killed her mother, but it didn't work out that way. Now she's with someone else.

"She's not the love of your life."

'Yes. I had a dream and we got married, had dog, it was a shih tzu.' I write like a toddler so that I can scribble the words down faster.

I hear the light footsteps made my Lily's purple clogs as she steps into the room. I smile when I look at her and I smile when she talks. I like her. She's nothing like anyone I've ever met, maybe that's what draws me to her. She's sweet and she's soft. I know that I'd destroy her if I'm not careful, and that's the last thing I want to do.

I'm way too rough for her. She doesn't step on bugs at the possibility of them having a life, she cleans up the dinner table for waiters, purple is her lucky color, and she likes children. A person like me has no business with a person so nice. If I could hurt a girl like Catalina, imagine what I could do to her. I don't want to turn her into a monster, but I'm too selfish to tell her.