Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

85

Chapter took forever to write but I'm so happy with it.

CATALINA

My entire, short adult life flashes before my eyes in sputters of memories. I lay my head back on the hospital bed and see every single version of myself as my world moves beyond me in seconds. I see every unfit memory and realize that nothing has prepared me for this moment.

Two hours ago, I was joking with Ashton about why Catalina Jr would be the perfect name for our child, and next thing I know I'm in a car with birth contractions a month before my delivery date.

"Push!" The doctor yells over my loud cries.

I'm trying to, I really am. I feel myself trying, but my body isn't my own. I can't make these choices, I can push, and I can feel it everywhere but where it should be. Pushing seems to be more mental than psychical right now.

I can barely keep my head on straight. All I know is that my insides feel as if they're being torn apart and my baby is too early. That's all I know. The only thing I can do is cry in agony and worry. Hot tears that come from nowhere waterfall down my cheeks, screaming that I know is mine, but don't feel myself doing fills my ears. The sensation of stretching flesh consumes me. And still, all I know is that my baby is too early.

Everything hurts. Whatever doesn't hurt, is because it's numb, and even that hurts: wanting to use parts of your body, but being unable to feel it. This is the worst pain I've ever felt, worse than anything I can imagine. I'm ripping my body into pieces, turning my guts inside out, pushing myself to limits unimaginable..

I feel Ashton's hands on mine and he's using the other to keep my hair off of my neck. I wish I could focus on anything that he's saying to me, but all I feel are gut wrenching contractions.

I keep hearing everyone yelling at me to push, and I'm trying. I really am. I'm trying. I can't tell them that because I feel like if I open my mouth to speak, not a thing will come out. The frustration of not being in control of anything I do almost hurts as much as the unending contractions. Each excruciating cut to the pit of my belly makes me yell.

"Just one more!" I hear her urging me on, but I don't have one more to give.

"You're almost done, you've been doing so good." Ashton encourages me.

To respond, I have to drag myself out of depth of my mind to find the strength to speak. My head is barely screwed on my shoulders, I can't focus on anything but the pain.

"I can't!" I cry out, gripping Ashton's arm for support as I attempt to position myself in a more suitable position. I'm squeezing him so tightly that his arm turns pale, but he doesn't complain. "I can't, I can't do it."

"Just one more." She encourages me. "You have to, don't make it harder."

I try to, but my body is too weak to do anything. I just grunt out as I manage to push halfway. I yelp when another slash glides across the roof of my belly, bringing tears to my eyes. I feel stuck, as if I can't do anything besides sit here in absolute pain.

"I- I can't." I take a deep breath as if it's all over, but I know it isn't.

"Yes you can." I hear Ashton's voice speaking to me quietly. He pushes my sweaty hair out of my face and kisses my disgusting, sweaty forehead. "Just one more, I know you can. Just breathe and do it."

"Okay. Okay." I mumble to myself.

Just one more. One more and I'm done...at least I hope I am, I can't take another body consuming push. I inhale, letting out an exhausted cry and give my all into one more push. My chest tightens and my stomach balls into a knot as I do so. I feel the baby crowning, and without another effort, she slides into the hands of the doctors.