Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

47.

New theme, new book. Who this?

CATALINA

As I restock the sandwich wrap papers I hear someone clear their throat gently behind me. I look over my shoulder to see August standing behind me. He rightfully keeps his distance, and I pretend that he isn't here.

I don't know what he wants from me. Does he wish for me to talk to him as if we are friends? Am I missing a bigger purpose here? Am I supposed to admit that there are unattended feelings? I don't have anything to say to him besides telling him that I don't hate him anymore. I don't see why my forgiveness wasn't enough for him. We can never be what we used to be. We can never pick up where we left off. Regardless of how either of us feel.

"Hello." He still speaks to me. Despite knowing that I don't want him to.

"I can't-"

"I know." He interrupts me as if he knows what I'm going to say. "I want to leave you alone, but I just can't. I know that makes me crazy, and I know that I have no right to feel the way I do about you-"

"August." I think this may be the first time I've said his name out loud since I've spoken to him. "Don't. I told you... I'm moving past the part of my life that involves you. I told you that I don't hate you, why is that not enough?"

I try not to be angry with him, but as I stand here and think about how entitled he is, I can't help it. He's right. He doesn't deserve to feel anything about me.

"I know. I know. I'm done I promise, but I got you a gift for your birthday. I shouldn't have, but I did. You can throw it away, but there's a letter in there and I think that you should read it."

I watch him sit down the baby blue gift bag on the chair.

I wait until I see his black shirt fade from distance before I reach for the bag. I don't have an excuse as to why I'm so quick to open his gift, knowing that I don't want anything from him. I ignore what's wrapped under the wrapping paper and reach straight for the envelope.

I want to say that my emotions are too out-of-control for me to instantly read a letter from him, but I know that's not the case. I think I want closure from him, in a twisted way. I want this letter to be one where he expresses his deepest regrets. It's like I want him to get on his knees and apologize to me just so I can tell him that I don't accept it. Is that crazy? I don't know what it means.

So, I go against my better judgement and what I know is right for me, and unfold the paper.

I can't find the perfect way to start this. Then again, no way will be perfect because it's coming from me. So, I'll just jump right into it and tell you why I'm writing it. Closure. I don't know if it's for you or for me, but I don't know that you don't need anything from me: not even closure. This isn't the first one I've written, but it's the best one. I wrote it because today is your birthday and I can't even wish you a happy birthday. I figured that you wouldn't hear my sorry from me, but maybe if I write it down you'll listen. I'm aware that there's no way for me to say sorry to you for the pain I caused you, and I know that there's no way for us to be what I want us to. So, I won't even waste your time expressing my deep regrets. I want to tell you something that I haven't said to you before. At first, I thought that everything--every moment we spent together--was all an act. I just thought it was something I faked as a necessary movement towards my bigger goal, but when I had time to think while I was alone I realized that I wasn't. I liked being with you, I meant it when I told you that I liked you. In fact, I remember the very first time I feel for you. You were sitting beside me on the bench outside staring at your shoes. Ten seconds later you asked me to be your friend, and like an idiot I said no. Then after you walked away from me, I went home and couldn't stop thinking about you. I'm not saying all of this to get anything from you, I just want you to know. I might as well tell you now since I know that nothing will happen. I've sat and denied it from the moment I realized it, because I didn't think it was possible, but it is. I don't know a better way to tell you that I'm in love with you than to just say it. I know that you can never reciprocated my feelings, and I know that I'm going to have to get over it. Just for now though, I can't help it. I know that I'm the last person you'd want to hear it from, but I figured that in telling you bye I might as well not leave anything unsaid. I love you and no amount of denial will change that. but who knows? Maybe the next time I see you, my heart won't skip a beat and I'll be able to let you pretend that I don't exist. I've never loved any one before, but I know that it's true because no one has ever made me wish I was a better person. No one except for you. I keep apologizing to you, but it's getting me no where. I know that I have to say goodbye to you, but I can't let the last thing I tell you be something as simple as 'sorry'. So, here's me laying it all out on the table. I'd end it telling you to take it or leave it, but I know that you'd 'leave it' in a heartbeat, and I can't take that risk.