Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

65.

Catalina may be annoying, but at least she's a bad B.
CATALINA

"We need to talk." I tell Ashton, disrupting his peaceful, 'Catalina free' morning.

I don't remember much from last night, but I'd remember if I did something to piss him off, and he can't be mad that I drank, because he was so nice about it last night. So, the only explanation is that he's still upset about what happened two days ago. I don't know how to apologize for something I meant and still mean. I can only apologize for the way I said it, because that part was unnecessary.

"Yeah, we do." He agrees, barely stopping to speak to me.

I get how he feels now. I can barely handle the silent treatment, but I expected him to just take my harsh words. Just because he's patient with me doesn't mean that he's emotionless and can tolerate me acting like his feelings don't exist. I have a bad habit of thinking just because what I've been through is worse other people's small problems don't mean anything. I did it with Catarina when we lost our mother and now I'm doing it with him.

"If you're still mad, why'd you help me and be so nice to me last night? It's confusing-"

"because you needed me to. It's not like I hate you."

"Well you're acting like it!"

"You're acting like you want me to." He defends himself.

He's probably right, I wouldn't notice because I'm on the other end of the spectrum, but I know how I can be when I go through my moods. I think I do want him to hate me because then it'd be easier to disappear. If there's no one around who loves you that'll be hurt when you leave them, it's easier for you to leave and that's all I want to do: disappear and never come back. The only thing that keeps pulling me from the deep end is him. He's the only reason I'm here right now, he's the reason I didn't off myself when I was dealing with my mother's death and maybe I'm pissed at him for that. If I had never met him, I'd be long gone and wouldn't have had to deal with any of the bad things that's happened to me. Even now, he's the reason I want to stick around knowing that bad things will only continue to happen.

"I don't want you to hate me. You just don't know what I went through, and you keep making it about a baby instead of me! The person who's alive and actually standing here in front of you.!"

After everything that happened, I was expecting him to be more concerned with me and how I was feeling, not to day dream about a baby that would've been cute, or would've been a doctor, or whatever else it would've been. It wasn't about the what if's, it was supposed to be about moving forward and focusing on if I'm okay. That's not what I got, and I think it may have hurt me more than I initially thought.

"I don't know what you went through because you won't tell me." He sighs, his voice more calm and less truculent than it was a few minutes ago.

"because you never asked."

" If I ask now, will you tell me?"

The answer is no. I don't mean to be complicated, but I can't tell him what my real problem is because I'm not ready to. Bad enough he halfway knows that August killed my mother, only a small part of him doesn't believe it. He can't know that I found my aunt dead too, and frankly, I don't want anyone to know. I wish I knew how to tell him so that we could go back to normal, we've fought more in this past week than we have the entire relationship. I know he'd never purposely start a fight if he knew what I really felt like, but he doesn't know because I don't tell him like he said. I don't tell anyone, because I just feel like no one will understand. No matter how much they love me, they won't get it.

"No." I shake my head with a sigh.

"What do you want me to do Catalina?" He asks with growing frustration.