Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

71.

I'm updating so fast because of the quarantine and also me refusing to do my school work, butttt this is one of my fav chapters now so thanks quarantine. Anyway, hope y'all stay safe and stay inside.

CATALINA

"No.No.No.No!?" I repeat, feeling dizzy.

My stomach drops, like electricity is sparking inside of me. I feel nauseous and it's not because of the thing inside of me.

I stumble into my room, sitting on my bed. Unexpectedly, my eyes fill with tears. They overfill, because as soon as they come, they're pouring out repeatedly.

"Oh... no." Catarina whispers, I can hear how much she sympathizes with me. "I uh- it's going to be okay?"

"I can't-" I wheeze in a breath. I can barely talk without stuttering over my words as I try to force myself to stop crying. "I can't be- a- a mom."

"Calm down okay?" She sits beside me and places her hand on my shoulder.

I take her advice and try to relax. I breathe in slowly, but it's staggered as it goes in. My chest shakes with each rocky breath I take.

This can't be real. This can not be happening to me. What am I supposed to do with a child?. If I have it, I have to live with it for the rest of my life. I no longer have the opportunity to decide what I want, or only do things according to how I feel. I'd have a child to take care of, and that'll be the only thing I can worry about.

How am I supposed to protect it? What if something horrible happens again and it puts me in the hospital? I could get in an accident, or maybe I just have a hostile uterus and I'll end up losing every baby I have. I don't know how I'm expected to live with myself if I lose another child.

My phone vibrates on my bed, snapping me out of my dizzy state. Ashton is calling me. Looking at his name on my screen makes me want to cry for no reason at all. I flip it the other way so I don't have to look at it. I can't talk to him right now, I don't know what I'm going to say. I'm not ready to say anything if I'm honest.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Yes. Catarina." I snap unintentionally. "Obviously. Why wouldn't I?"

"I just meant like... you know. Just if you didn't know what you were going to do." She explains.

The thought of me having a baby makes me want to throw up and it isn't just because I'm pregnant. I just started to thoroughly enjoy my life, and I don't know how long it'll last. How can I adjust to being a mother so quickly? I was stolen from my real mother and put up for adoption before I was a week old, and my adoptive mother was always too busy working to pay attention and that was before the two of us stopped talking completely. I barely have the proper social skills I need to be someone's parent.

"It's not invited to the wedding." Is the first thing I tell Catarina after I finish my meltdown. "So don't register a seat for it."

"Catalina—"

"I hate babies. I didn't want to even think about having one until I was at least twenty five and married for two years."

"Well at least you won't be old and your child won't have old parents. Plus, Ashton is 27, how long do you think he wants to wait?" She keeps trying to make me consider his feelings and I am, but he won't be the one on a bed giving labor and shitting on himself.

My phone vibrates beside me again and I look down to see that he's calling...again. I flip it over and throw it behind me so that I don't have to look.

"Why does he keep calling me?" I speak irritably.

"Because he hasn't seen you since this morning and he probably thinks you're dead."