Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

69

CATALINA

I sit behind the metal racks filled with gloves and surgery masks in a vacant supply closet. Despite not actually caring what people think, I do prefer that they not think anything of me at all. But now, because of August, they all think I'm some monster who hates the sweetest girl in the hospital. I could barely make it to the supply closet without getting ugly looks and elongated stares. To make matters worse, there aren't any extra scrubs in my size. All I really want to do is break down and cry.

Filled with anxiety and fear of the unknown, tears seem to be the only thing I can control. So I slid down the metal rack and I only had to blink one time before heavy tears rolled down my cheeks. Tears of embarrassment and anger pour out together. Half of me wants to go back outside and yell at him the way he did to me, make him feel more guilt than he already does, or just write a big sign to tell everyone that nothing he said is true. I want to sympathize with him and be understanding of his situation, but after everything he's put me through, he has no right to speak to me as if I'm the bad guy— as if I've ever done anything to ruin his life.

The absolute hatred for August that bubbles inside me the more I think about what he just did frightens me. My cheeks and ears grow hot with rage. Rage, the thing that I can't do anything with except cry all of it out of me. I try to scratch the dried up blood off of my shirt, but the stain is way too big for my small fingernails to make a difference. I bury my face in my hands and groan.

I tried calling Ashton, the only person who will deal with me when I'm upset about something as stupid as someone 'hurting my feelings', but he didn't answer. He's probably busy— per usual, and I know that he's saving people's lives and all, but I'd like to think that maybe he could try to make some time for me.

The door knob twist aggressively but the door doesn't open because I locked it. I get up to put my ear to the door to see if I hear anything

"Catarina?" I say her name to double check.

"Yeah?"

I open the door to let her see for herself just how ridiculous my day has gotten since she last saw me. When Catarina rushes inside, she hands me my backup uniform from home and I take a heavy sigh of relief.

"Thank you." I say as I take off my blood stained scrub shirt to put on a fresh one.

"Were you crying?" She scoffs like I'm being stupid when she doesn't even know what's wrong with me. "Why are you crying?"

"because I'm having a bad day."

"Well I have a bad day everyday. I wake up and have bad days. At least you're getting married and have something to look forward to—"

"That's if he even shows up for our wedding." I roll my eyes just thinking about how busy and unavailable Ashton is.

"What do you mean? I will drag him to your wedding. You can't just propose to somebody and then get cold feet."

"No. I mean that he's always working. Like even now, I'm having the worst day in a while and I have to call my sister all the way from home because my fiancé who is like on the next floor is too busy right now."

I know what he's doing and I know how important it is, so I don't complain to him about it. I feel horrible because the person who he's probably with right now is Lily, she's his friend too and I know that he wants to do everything he can to help. I just— I don't know. I know that my bad day is nowhere near as important as a person bleeding to death on a table, but he could at least pretend that it is.

"Catalina you can't be like that." She sighs.

"I know." I huff. "but...he wasn't there when I had the— you know, the miscarriage. I just got called all kinds of evil and terrible in front of everyone and I was too in shock to defend myself and had no one to back me up."