Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

54.

AUGUST

"Do you know that you made my boyfriend mad at me? I've been waiting to see you so I could tell you off about it!" Catalina walks up to me as soon as she sees me.

"The fact that you feel the need to tell me is exactly why he's probably mad at you." I shrug as I attempt to draw a picture of Lily.

Art therapy isn't as effective as Lily made it seem. Maybe because the only thing I want to draw is Catalina not hating me, but I'm not a good enough artist to do that.

"What?" She tilts her head back in astonishment at my reaction: my reaction not being much of a reaction at all is what shocks her.

"You heard me." I speak quietly, as I try to focus my concentration.

"Excuse you? I didn't do anything to you. You're the one ruining my life."

"because you keep letting me into your life to ruin it." I tell her as I eye myself paper. "You probably assured him that you don't like me, which may be true, but if you face the reality of the situation, it's not a good thing. The only reason you don't have any feelings for me is because you can't. You feel obligated to hate me because of what I did, and that obligation is the only thing stopping you from feeling those feelings. It's the reason you like hating me. You know that if you stop hating me, and you won't be able to like me either, then we'll have no relationship whatsoever."

"Since when are you a psychologist?" Catalina scoffs through her pink lips.

"I met someone. We have a thing." I finally put my pencil down and smile at her.

"You have a thing?" She makes a face and raises an eyebrow that says she thinks I'm full of shit.

"Yep. Her name is Lily, and she's pretty. Prettier than you, in fact."

"She's not prettier than me." Catalina rolls her eyes.

"Oh, but she is. She has long, dark curly hair and pretty eyes. Plus she's nice and that just makes her look better."

"Well I hope she never introduces you to her mother."

"Mhh." I choose to not say anything.

I look at the necklace around her neck— well, it looks at me, glistening from the light above her. It's her mother's name engraved in crystals: tiny, bright crystals that glisten. It's beautiful, and it looks even better on her. I can't tell her that I like it though, it would only seem as if I'm mocking her.

I wouldn't ever tell her anything about her mother. No matter what I say, it'd be disrespectful in the most audacious way possible. Despite my arrogance and lack of respect for most things, I do know what not to say. At least, I know what I wouldn't say to her: anything that has something to do with her mother. I wouldn't even say her name.

"Is that supposed to be her? cause she's ugly." Catalina looks at the drawing on my paper in disgust.

"No—well yes— but she looks nothing like this.  I'm a bad artist." I pretend like I don't care that she's talking to me. "This is her."

I scroll to a picture on my phone and twirl in around so that Catalina can see. I guess I'm showing her just to prove that I didn't make a girl up just to prove a point to her.

"Okay? What do you want to do? Congratulate you? Congratulations."

"Thank you." I slide my phone back into my pockets.

I ignore Catalina as she stands in front of me. It's harder than I was expecting it to be, but I know that after a while I'll get used to it. With a shocking reluctance, she walks away from me. I can her mumbling things under her breath. Believe it or not, I'm not actually doing it to get under her skin; I've finally come to term with the fact that I have to leave her alone. I've always known that I had to, but I never did out of fear. I was so scared of having no outlet to human connection that I'd talk to her rather she liked it or not.