Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

58.

Remember, if someone murdered your mother it wouldn't be all peaches n cream.
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I stop and stare at him, not knowing what else to do. My response is delayed and staring when I can't speak is a habit of mine. His words shock me, but what shocks me most is when I notice the soft smile on my face. I didn't know it was happening, but I can feel the fireworks in my insides.

He's standing in front of me, watching me before he speaks again. I don't know what love feels like, but I know that I like everything about him. I like that his hair falls in his face, I like that he's clumsy, I like the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles. Looking at him, I can't find any reason to be disappointed. I can't imagine how someone like him could love me. I never imagined that anyone would really love me—I never imagined that I could really love anyone.

"I-"

"I know, but I mean it. You don't have to say it back, but I just want you to know that no matter what you do, it's not going to change."

I smile at him. Immediately, I thought that I couldn't say it back, because we as humans only accept the kind of love we think we deserve. I know—more than I know anything—that I don't deserve him. I've done nothing to deserve him, but for whatever reason, God has given him to me. It's impossible for me to not love him too.

I find comfort in his calmness and refugee in his arms. There's no other way to describe it other than love. But the feeling of love is so foreign and so abnormal to me that I'm afraid of the idea, any idea of loving someone makes me want to hide in a corner.

"I can say it back." I assure him so that he's not standing in the dark. "Well I can't say it—I'm afraid to say it— but I feel it. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, that makes sense." He smiles at me.

"Okay." I nod my head.

Then, we have this silent moment. It isn't an uncomfortable one, we just look at each other, both filled with happiness that fills our hearts to the point where we can't say anything else-too afraid to ruin the moment.

"Let's leave." I interrupt the wholesome silence with a thought in my head that I've been too afraid to push forward until now.

"What?" He raises an eyebrow.

"No one will know." I shrug. "Let's go."

"Okay." He shakes his head like he knows it's a bad idea, but he gets up and follows me because he also knows that just because it's a bad idea doesn't mean we shouldn't do it.

*********
"Okay."I giggle, tripping over my own feet as I back into the room.

"You're so happy tonight. You sure everything is okay?" He hangs his jacket up on the closet.

"Yes. In fact.." I stand on my tippy toes so that I can speak into his ear. "I think that I'm ready."

"For what? To get married?" He raises an eyebrow with a smile on his face. "Sorry, it's too soon. I don't even know what kind of ring you want."

"A big,expensive one. and no, not to get married. To get busy." I laugh at my choice of words.

"Ohhh... are you sure? Don't let your happiness persuade you. I don't want you to have sex with me and then wake up wishing you-"

I press my index finger over his lips. "Shh. We're not sixteen. There's no way I should be a twenty-one year old virgin, that's ridiculous."

"but you've waited this long, you must've been waiting for something."

"and I found it." I shrug.

It's true. I don't know what I've been waiting for my whole life, but I found it in him. This indescribable feeling that I could've never imagined before I met him makes me want to give him everything. Anything that I would've never showed or told anyone before, I want to show and tell it to him. He's one of those people who you don't lose if you can help it