Insecure {AUGUST ALSINA}

73.

AUGUST

I see Lily throwing clothes into a bag with the hospital logo on it as she stands beside her bed. I keep my distance and stand near the door, looking around for Alyssa but I don't see her anywhere. I think this is the moment I've been dreading.

"Where's Alyssa?" I ask.

"With my mother. Downstairs." She only answers me because I have the right to know.

"Where are you going?" I know she isn't going back to our house after everything that's happened.

"It's none of your business."

"Lily I'm sorry." I sigh. "I just didn't want you to know. I didn't mean to lie to you."

"I need time. Away from you." Her eyes brim with tears that she has yet to let fall.

"How long?" I stand leaning against the doorway, feeling exactly how she feels for the first time ever.

I've never lost anyone who was just as sad to lose me. I never imagined someone would cry as they told me we can't be together. Yet, I'm no longer selfish enough to care about that part. All I care about is that my mistakes have made her cry and caused her pain, and that's much worse than me losing anything.

"A long time." The tears that she held back finally escape, silently rolling down her cheek in cascades until her hand comes up to wipe them away. "I just can't..."

"I love you." I let the words slip out of my mouth.

"Don't."

"Can I still see Alyssa?"

"No...I don't know." Lily picks at her fingernails. "Maybe, but I think it'd be best if you didn't for now."

"Best for who?"

"Her safety." She sighs like she hated to say it, but she had to.

"Lily, please." I've never said please to anyone for anything,and if I did, I didn't like it.

If someone wants to leave I let them go, but how could I ever just let her go?

"You can call her, okay? I won't let her get too big on you. Just not now. I don't even know who you are."

"That's not true."

She knows just as much as I let her see, sure, but none of the things she knows is a lie. She knows more about me than she doesn't. The only thing I hadn't told her about was all the bad things I've done, and I guess those things are what truly makes a person, so maybe she's right. She's right about not knowing who I am, but if there's one thing she should never question, it's my love for her and Alyssa. I love the two of them a whole lifetime's worth.

"I have to go. My mom is waiting for me." She avoids making eye contact and I'm dying for it.

She silently slides past where I'm standing in the doorway and the only thing I can do is watch her walk away. My chest aches, like someone is tugging on the strings of my heart. I feel my face get hot as I look at her take quick paces down the hall, knowing that she's pacing away from me. I blow out a breath and throw my head back against the wall. The thud hurts, but nothing hurts as much as this does.

******

I use my knuckles to tap lightly on Catalina's apartment door. My head is spinning, I can barely stand up straight. I don't know how I managed to make it from my car to the elevator, or make it pass the security. I never planned on coming to her house because I didn't want her to make a fuss about me knowing where she lives, but I'm here, too drunk to care.