On your knees // Bandom

25. What Hurts The Most

It wasn't winter, not quite, but it was somewhere near. Winter had swept in with her fur cloak and brushed her lips against theirs, just enough to leave them cold.

It was November, rainy, dark, endless, late-November. The Thursday of the year. Not close enough for Christmas cheer, but nothing else to look forward to.

Everyone was wearing hoodies to school now, some even scarfs and hats. There was a merciless feel to the air, like it was biding its time before giving you hell. There was anticipation there, and tension. Monotonous days, one after another.

Exams were coming up, and that meant even more stress, and counting days off in tally's, scribbled onto homework, or carved into desks.

Patrick had finally convinced his parents he needed a 'study date'. So Pete and Ray and him were all in his room, papers spread like a fan-fair between them.

"What even happened with Seaman and Ryan?" Ray asked, snapping off a piece of chocolate.
"That's not algebra," Patrick replied.
"Something at Franks party, I think." Pete took more chocolate "Might be to do with the whole Ryan debacle."
"Debacle?" Patrick repeated, amused.
"I know words."
"Like the accident broke them up?"
"I don't know. Bren and Ry fought and that somehow ended in the accident. Maybe they fought over something to do with Dall. Wouldn't be the first time."
"They only broke up a week ago, though?"
"Right. But I still think it's connected. They were weird since Halloween. It only officially ended a week ago."
"Where has Seaman even been? Like I get that he didn't wanna see Dallon but where else would he go?"
"Back to his old friends?" Ray suggested.
"He's with the new kid. Awsten." Pete told them.
"The one with purple hair?"
"No. The other new kid that appeared last week." Pete replied, sarcastically, "Yes. Purple haired dude."
"Okay calm down." Patrick pulled a face.

Patrick was thinking of Gerard, again. Gee. He wasn't gay if Gee wasn't a guy, right? But he'd still liked them when they were a guy. Or they were never 'a guy', they just used to identify as one. Is it gay to like someone who identifies as a guy even if they aren't? Is it transphobic not to?

Fuck, Patrick's head wasn't on right, there were so many strings in there, and each time he tried to pull one, it just tangled further.

He'd thought he'd liked Pete, for a day or two, which wasn't a real crush, nowhere near, but maybe it confirmed his sexuality. Or maybe he was just confused. Maybe he was confused about Gee, too, and it was only persuing because he'd admitted it aloud. Did that mean if he'd told his feelings about Pete he'd still like him instead?

He wanted to cry, he wanted to curl up on the floor and sleep until he was old enough to face this all and figure out what he was actually feeling.

Petes mind was occupied with Mikey, with what the fuck his boyfriend had meant when he got high and told him it was his fault. Since then, he'd brushed it off and told him it was nothing. It was obviously not nothing.

'Are you fighting?' No
'Has something happened.' Yes.
Pete had said he didn't want to fuck. Which was not meant to be the aim of the relationship. Mikey had said it was fine, and he was okay with staying a virgin forever.

It wasn't really forever, though, because this high school relationship would be temporary, Pete knew it would be, he didn't even want there to be a forever. A commitment. He also didn't want them to ever end. But he'd prefer an end to whatever this is.

Ray was still on the subject of Ryllon. Dallon and Seaman. Dallon and Ryan. Weekes and Seaman. With two people of the same name, they had to get creative.
Maybe they should have gone with Blue, or Drummerboy. It was Seaman who's name had to be changed, because he was the newest recruit. But now Ryan had no memories, so things were different.

Pete was probably right, Ray thought, that this had all come of that fateful Birth-ween. That whatever happened all came of the same argument. He tried to recall that night, a fortnight ago. He'd been playing games, 'truth or dare' and 'never have I ever' and 'elevenses'. Brendon had come back high, and said that Ryan had to go. Dallon and Seaman had been fine. He believed none of that in retrospect.

He closed his eyes and tried to conjure the taste of that evening. Bonfire smoke and margarita pizza and shitty ciders someone's older sibling had gotten them. The sound of talking, overlapping words and laughter and music. Always music. There had been a speaker somewhere, playing Franks playlist, and Pete and Ryan had brought their guitars, plus Franks. Someone had been singing a song Ray recognised but couldn't name. Pete had been doing something he called rapping, stumbling over his lyrics. Homemade dreams hung heavily over them.

He wondered if this story had begun that night, or if it had all started when Frank was first introduced, the fall party. Or that lunchtime when Brendon was trying to do a handstand against the piano and Frank ate with them for the first time. Or even earlier than that, Ryden's first date at that faux sixties diner, or the day they met, in high school. Or the day they were all born.

Ray wondered when their story would end.

~

Kitty needed to get over Jamia.
She was gone, for good, it seemed, and there was no point in waiting up by the phone.

There was Ray to consider now, Ray with the warm hugs and warmer smiles. Ray with the talent that even Lindsey admitted. Ray who definitely liked her. He couldn't hold a candle to Jamia.

She wanted to make a list, perhaps to try and understand what it was that kept her feelings going strong a month or more later. It was too long.

Jamia was pretty, gorgeous. 
Jamia planned unimaginable things meticulously but never actually carried them out.
Jamia could do makeup on others better than herself.
Jamia's laugh. Enough said.
Jamia who Kitty had helplessly, hopelessly, fallen for.

Lindsey said she could get over her if she wanted to. She did want to, so badly, but she couldn't pick and choose like that. She couldn't wake up and like Ray back, despite how long she spent with him on her mind, because that would be easy. It would be nice and neat, like white lines on glass tables. Oblivion within reach. It would be fun.

Love isn't easy, but this isn't love, right? This is some schoolgirl crush that she won't let go of because she still had Jamia's contact, a black heart on the end. She could let go of it easily if she didn't still listen to her playlist. It was merely a fantasy, something she had built up in Jamia's absence. Change her lock-screen and it would disappear, like smoke in the wind. A reflection turning to ripples in the pond.

Kitty hadn't been allowed to choose a side when Lindsey and Jamia fought, Jamia had just left and not looked back and Kitty had been stuck with the girl that forced her to it. Perhaps she should have disliked that more than she did.

Jamia had liked Lindsey, that had been obvious too. She probably didn't anymore, because Jamia was strong enough to let go of that, especially after everything that had happened. Jamia wasn't Kitty.

It wasn't a breakup, she'd lost a friend, but that was a different kind of mourning. Maybe Jamia would message her once in a while if they'd been just friends. Or perhaps it wasn't her fault and Jamia just wanted nothing to do with any of them. She should have picked a side and abandoned Lindsey.

She'd been sure, for a while, that Lindsey liked Jamia back, that this was some sort of competition she was destined to loose. Jimmy thought that, too. They were wrong.

Now that she was gone, Lindsey had focused her attention on her real aim - Jimmy. Jimmy who was now enthralled with the new guy.

Jamia used to like Lindsey, who now liked Jimmy, who'd fallen for Ray, who liked her. It was a love pentagon.

An // leaving 20gayteen and going into 20biteen with a girlfriend. Life is great xx