On your knees // Bandom

52. Miss you

They'd fallen asleep on opposite sides of the bed. Gabe on the left with his back pressed up against his wall. Pete with one leg falling off the bed.

Come morning, as the pale winter light slunk through the gaps in the edges of the curtains, it illuminated them pushed together. Gabe slowly woke up, his dreams disappearing like clouds in the wind, and he became aware of Petes arm draped around him. Despite all their promises and boundaries and coloured history; this is where they found themselves.

He stared down, taking in the once-familiar sight and trying to reacquaint himself with what Pete looked like before he'd woken up enough to build walls between them.

He'd forgotten how long his eyelashes were, how they cast shadows even in this little light. How unguarded his expression was when lost in dreams. His other arm was up around his pillow, Gabes pillow, and his shirt was riding up just enough that Gabe told himself to stop looking. It was creepy enough watching him sleep, without looking at anything else.

It felt like coming home without anything happening. Like he'd been returned momentarily and it would just make it harder to leave, the missing had subsided and now the waves of it would come rushing back. Crash into him in a salty spray and soak him, just as he'd begin to dry off.

Petes eyes half opened, then shut, then fully opened and Gabe still couldn't pull himself away.

"Were you watching me sleep?" There was no accusation in his voice.
"No." He was still watching. Petes hand hadn't fallen from his back.
Pete smiled slowly, effortlessly, and Gabe really, really, should have looked away.

"I kind of missed you." Gabe admitted.
"No shit." He still didn't move. "Its kind of creepy to stare while I'm asleep and still not look away when you get caught."
"Sorry."
"Are you?"
"Not really: you're not pushing me away. What happened to 'opposite sides of the bed and if you even touch me ill push you out'" He mimicked Pete.
"I kind of, maybe, just a bit, missed you too."
"No shit."

Gabes eyes were on his lips now, trying to remember, trying to pull the past back.
Pete was half awake, struggling into reality. Only aware of Gabe and the way he looked, the way he had felt.

Gabe's head dipped a little lower, close enough he felt his breath, in and out, a little nervous.

Baby, Bang. Bang. Kiss. Kiss.
You and I got to put an end to this.

Theres always a before and an after. For every action you have the pre- and the post-. For a moment they were neither, suspending in the mid-. Then Pete let his head fall to the pillow again and Gabe didn't follow.

"I'm not sure I ever stopped loving you." Gabe said, all at once, forgetting everything he wasn't meant to say.
"I did." Pete replied.
"Of course." Gabe rolled off him onto his back. "Fuck. Of course. Mikey, and- whatever."
"Lindsey?" Pete shot back.
"Right. Yup. My fault, look, I'm sorry. Shouldn't have let you come, shouldn't have stared, shouldn't have kissed you. But I was over you! I was done and now..." His voice went up and back down to barely a whisper. "Now I'm not even sure anymore."
"About what?"
"You."
"Nothing would have come of it anyway, right? You don't do relationships. Certainly not exclusive. I'm not doing anything else."
"But you would?"
"I don't know. I don't like being single."
"No, you're right. I don't do that shit. Not for Brendon: not for you."
"What does Brendon have to do with this."
"Nothing. Nothing."
"I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for, Petey." He stood up, "Breakfast?"
"Im sorry." Pete repeated, under his breath."
"Pete-"

Cutting him off, Pete pulled back down and kissed him again. Because, just for a moment, between before and after, he felt like he'd come back to something he loved.