On your knees // Bandom

51. Sleep Alone

Pete: Hey
Gabe: sup, petey.
Pete: so, I know we haven't talked in forever and honestly I kinda hated you for a bit but I don't want to be alone tonight, and I don't want to be with friends. So you're my backup.
Gabe: thanks?
Pete: I know you try and find people to sleep with because you have some sleeping alone issues, or whatever, but could we maybe try that without the sex?
Gabe: is that a thing?
Pete: im just cold. And I don't want to be at home. I'd ask someone else, but who on earth would say yes except you?
Gabe: what are you saying about my standards?
Pete: that they're low
Gabe: aight, you can come over. Just because you are right and I really don't love an empty house.
Pete: thanks. I miss you sometimes.
Gabe: miss you too, sometimes. But not enough to want a relationship.
Pete: me neither. And what you did was really shit, but I think I'm over it.
Gabe: but not over me, right?
Pete: tbd. Im ten minutes away

~

They were still talking. It was midnight and Hayleys house was near-silent bar them, and Jamia had agreed to leave hours ago, but they kept talking.

The conversation spiralled. Nothing was keeping it grounded so they just said what they liked and spun the subjects in loops, trying to find common ground.

They'd migrated from Hayleys living room to her bedroom, and were sitting on her bed, illuminated only by fairy lights. Music was playing, something soft, but quietly as to not wake her family. Hayley had two brothers: Taylor and Zac, and they shared a room a wall away, so they had to keep their voices low, and their songs lower.

About an hour ago, Hayley had gone downstairs and come back up with a bottle of wine, and while neither of them were planning on getting drunk, it was fun to turn the night pink as they got tipsy.

"Are you sleeping over?" Hayley asked languidly.
"I wasn't going to but it's kind of too late to ask to be picked up."
"You can, if you like. I dont mind."

Jamia didn't know how she'd feel about that, becoming vulnerable in Hayleys room and having to let her guard down. She still hadn't figured her feelings out and it wouldn't help to spend the night in her company, privy to her dreams.

"You don't have to." Hayley said suddenly.
"I want to." Jamia assured, trying to find an excuse not to.
"You can sleep downstairs, if you like, on the sofa, or in the floor here, or... I don't know."

The 'I don't know' was sharing a bed. That must mean something, because neither of them would have been nervous to suggest that to anyone else, but it felt like too far.

Jamia shrugged. "Wherever." She took a drink, trying to avoid it. Hayley smiled, and Jamia could see all the shadows on her face in the dim lighting, and for a moment she imagined leaning over and kissing her. Then, unbidden, Lindsey appeared and she could feel her hands on her, polluting her. It felt like betrayal. She looked away.

Hayley tried to read her, following her gaze down and up and down again. It was impossible to guess her mood or her intentions. They shifted like the weather, the tug and pull of the sea.

Tugging the petals off flowers: she likes me. She likes me not. I like her. I like her not.

"I share a bed when I go to Franks," Jamia wanted it more than she'd admit.
Hayley laughed, "Thats cute."
"Yeah."

~

"You're back." Gabe opened his door and grinned.
"And I can go again."
"I really didn't see this coming, to be honest."
"My house is cold. Yours isn't."
"Right. Sure."

Pete sat awkwardly down in his sofa, taking in the little changes that slightly altered his perception of Gabe and his home.

"How did we end up back to this?"
Gabe grinned. "Want a drink?"
"Its, what? Saturday night? How could I refuse?"
"I don't know, I did cheat on you."

And there the elephant in the room was; exposed and naked. They'd both been thinking it over and over and Gabe, cleverly, had said it aloud. Things are less scary when discussed, when no longer in the dark.

"Shitty move on your part." Pete pointed out.
"I did tell you. Immediately."
"Doesn't excuse it."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Are you? At the time it felt like you were just saying that. There was a lot of abandonment issues about your dad leaving and..."
"-yeah. They're explanations. Thats why, but its not an excuse. I am sorry, for real. And I'm actually really glad you came over."
"I'm undecided. It was... interesting. Don't know how I feel about spending the night."
"Thats the point though, right?"
"I guess."
"C'mon. You wouldn't have missed this for the world. Me apologising? You've been waiting far too long for that."
"Would have missed it for anyone with higher standards."
"But you're below all of them."
"Something like that."

"What even happened with you and Mikey Way?"
"Stuff. He- I mean, we- it was a little messy."
"Sorry about that."
"Are you?"
"If it made you feel shit? Yeah."
"What happened to... whoever you broke my heart for."
Gabe didn't talk for a minute, then, "Lindsey."
"Lindsey?"
"Aight, I know it was one of the worst decisions I've made, you don't need to pull that face."
"You have definitely made worse decisions."
"Like what?"
"I don't know, we didn't keep in touch, but you must have."
"Honestly, no. But besides; you were far too good for me."
"Nah,"
"Yeah. I was- I was so fucking in love with you, and I fucked it all up."
"And now?"
"You're only here because I feel guilty and don't like being alone."
"I'm only here because I feel guilty and don't like being alone."
"I thought it was because you were cold?"
"A bit of both,"

At almost any point in the last two years, Gabe would have dropped everything for Pete, even as he got over him, he'd be back again sure enough. Was this Pete asking? If it was he'd provide, if it wasn't he was back to being the fool.

Pete tapped his fingertips along the edge of the can Gabe had given him, the metallic tune resounding. He hummed along, something unrecognisable. Lets be alone together. He'd taste of cider if they kissed.

~

In the dark, people flickered through Jamias mind: Lindsey, her phantom fingers trailing down her legs, tracing lies of love; Frank, all of his advice and comedy, why had he been the one to end up in love?; Hayley, lying next to her with her red hair black in the absence of light. Lindsey. Frank. Hayley.

Could they coincide? Could she live on the edge of them all, never making a final decision. That wasn't fair to any of them. It was barely even her choice to make, she could have been misreading everything and none of her dreams were requited in any way.

Hayley shifted in her sleep, and moved a little closer. Jamia was starting to lose track of who was real and who was composed of memories. Which touch was truly there? Hayleys cold feet or Franks warm hands?

Some things she knew were platonic, some she was sure they weren't. But what exactly bar friendship? Lindsey hadn't been 'romantic' as much as purely sexual. Hayley was... something. Probably just friendly.

It wasn't fair, was it, to lie here and think about Hayley that way, when she lay next to her? Not like Jamia would do anything, it just felt wrong. Like an invasion of privacy.

Jamia wasn't entirely sure where they stood. Acquaintances was too little, co-stars, maybe? Friends. For sure. Good friends, close friends? That was too much, despite that now there was practically no layers between them. On the precipice of something more?

Jamia kept herself stock still, even as Hayley moved. She felt that if they touched she'd be taking advantage. She wanted to curl into her and tell her everything, let down her guard. But Hayley was asleep and only just visible so it wasn't fair. She should just leave her alone.

Just friends then, and barely even that. Not parts of each other, not destined to be anything.

She still couldn't sleep.

An// yooo two updates in one day I think thats a personal record! Plus I watched 'but im a cheerleader' and I recommend xo