On your knees // Bandom

27. Put the gun down

An// did you know Rian Dawson did the drums for this ^^

"Hey, Awst." Ryan leaned against the locker next to Awstens, indie-movie style.
"Awstens really not that long a name."
"Stop compla-Oh my god I've found the perfect nickname."
"The perfect nickname?"
"Yeah. It accomplishes the three best nickname traits."
"Which are?"
"One: It suits you." Ryan was counting off on his fingers "Two: It'll annoy you. And three: Nobody else calls you it."
"The last one is the only good one."
"AK."
"AK?"
"Yeah, its your initials."
"Its the same syllables as Awsten."
"But?"
"I kind of think it's adorable." Awsten admitted begrudgingly.
Ryan grinned wide. "Perfect. But I was actually going to ask you something."
"Go ahead."
"Do you wanna come to play practice at lunch?"
"Play practice?"
"Yeah, I used to go every week and my friends still do."
"You have friends?" Awsten teased.
"Shut up and come to the hall at lunch."
"Fine. Lunch."
"What do you have now?"
"Maths. Walk with me?"
"English. See you AK."
Awsten rolled his eyes

~

Lunch time and its temporary freedom rolled around, as it does. When Awsten entered the hall he found Ryan waiting for him.

"AK!"
"Hey,"
"See the tall guy talking over there?"
"Yeah, I think he's in my German."
"Cool. He's Dallon."
"The Dallon?"
"The Dallon."
"Oof. Induce me?"
"Fine."

Ryan grabbed his wrist and pulled him over.

"Hey," Dallon pushed his hair back nervously.
"Hey, Dall. This is Awsten."
It was Dall not Dallon. It would always be.
"This is Taylor," Dallon introduced.
"Taylor as in the sister you refuse to acknowledge?"
"That one." Dallon nodded.
"So why now?"
"I wanted to come." Taylor smiled. She was literally a girl version of Dallon, long brown hair and blue eyes and everything Ryan was attempting to forget.
"This is Ryan." Dallon said.
Taylor smiled with just half her mouth. An 'I've been expecting you' smile.
"Can I talk to you for a sec?" She asked Ryan. It wasn't something you could say no to.
"Sure,"

She walked just out of earshot and he followed suit. Dallon was left with Awsten, who awkwardly introduced himself.

"So, Ryan,"
"Taylor."
"I'm sorry."
"What?" He hadn't been expecting that.
"On behalf of my idiot brother-no, not idiotic, it wasn't careless it was cruel. And I'm sorry."
"Uhh, I accept your apology?"

"So." Awsten was left with Dallon, and decided to at least try and make conversation. "She's your twin?"
"Yeah,"
"What did Ry mean by you not mentioning her? You don't have to answer."
"I just don't like to bring her up. She's kind of like that favourite song that you keep to yourself because its ruined if other people know it."
"She's not property, dude."
"Yeah, I know, its just complicated with her and my family and stuff." Dallon doesn't elaborate, but to be fair he barely knows Awsten.

"Did he tell you he was going to do it?" Ryan asks.
"We don't talk when I'm at school."
"That's weird."
"He's a difficult person to love."
"I can imagine."
"Would you forgive him? If he apologised properly?"
"I don't know. I can't just turn off my feelings for him, so theres still something there. I just don't want there to be."
"I understand."
"Thank you."

"Cast to the stage please!"
Dallon shrugged in Awstens direction and left to go find Gerard. Awsten and Frank started to migrate to Taylor and Ryan.

Ryan looked to the floor, then back up at Taylor, and all in one breath, "Did he ever actually like me?"
"Yeah,"
"Just not enough."
"Im really sorry, Ryan."
"Whatever. Its fine."

"Ry!" Frank hugged him. "Haven't seen you in like two weeks, man."
Ryan shrugged. "I've been with Awsten,"
"Im pretty sure you'd both be welcome in the music room."
"Is it even big enough for two more people?"
"Who cares? I miss you dude."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I was worried, you broke up with Dallon and then went awol."
"I'm fine."
Franks eyes searched his face for a sign he was lying, but by now Ryan was good at this, his im-over-Dallon-Weekes facade and Frank found nothing.
Awsten watched their interaction with interest, because he didn't know Ryans face yet, and he knew his to text punctuation more than his tone, but he recognised a fake 'I'm fine' when he heard one, and he blamed Taylor.

~

Seeing Ryan again hurt Dallon more than he thought it would, he missed him more than he had ever loved him.

Because, here's the thing, Dallon has always dreamed in black and white, he used to think everyone did, but now and again he would dream of Ryan. And Ryans blue hair was always in colour.

He tried to recall holding Ryans hand, it had happened more than once, but although he knew the taste of his lips off by heart, he couldn't quite feel his fingers interlaced with his own. That didn't stop them from being cold without Ryans warmth.

He was a cliche now, and all he wanted was for Ryan to come back, but he had too much pride to apologise. What he really wanted was Ryan on his knees, begging for his love.

He had been watching him at play practice, had been watching when Frank hugged him, and because he was jaded and lonely he thought it was something it wasnt. He knew Frank loved Gerard, everyone did, but Ryan and Frank were awful close, weren't they?

God, could Dallon not be hatching a plan for like three minutes?
But he'd already convinced himself that Ryan liked Frank, while he should like Dallon. So that needed, in his eyes, to be remedied.

Brendon and Ryan were still strong despite him ruining Ryans life, so that had had none of the desired effects, but that didn't stop him making yet another douchey scheme.

Another plan that would ultimately end in him crying, broken, listening to a sad, angry, record on repeat and cursing out Gods name, hopefully with some thematic rain.

There was probably something deeply wrong with him, some part of his head that had suffered a loss, maybe a shattered section in his heart, some reason that he kept doing this, destroying himself piece by piece for a boy who was forever going to deserve more than him.

He just kept convincing himself of things that weren't true, things that he apparently needed to rectify. And it had started out just hurting him, making him lose everyone he'd cared about, but now it was hurting other people too.

And yet he still couldn't stop, he couldn't keep his head above the water long enough to get a breath of oxygen.

He was drowning, loosing his reason in these roaring waves, this sadistic ocean that kept him just alive enough that it hurt. Everything hurt.

He had tried being religious - giving his soul over to a higher power that may or may not exist in a futile search for redemption and meaning. It didn't stop the pain, or the voices in his head convincing him to wreck everything good in his life.

Those voices just kept prevailing, until faith didn't seem worth it, sanity didn't seem worth it. There was no prize at the end, no afterlife, and even if Heaven and Hell did exist, he had done too much wrong to keep himself from falling down below. God hadn't abandoned him, he hadn't cared in the first place.

He needed to stop feeling sorry for himself. He was lost in this pity, but whatever; it was nice there. He felt at home amongst this self-loathing. Narcissistic and lacking in confidence.

He missed both Ryan and Brendon and the unearned happiness they had granted him. He wanted one of them back, either or, and he wouldn't accept that his actions had buried both of their relationships. The blame fell, time and time again, on anyone other than him.

He would have settled for his faith back, but it had never truly been real, it had just been Pablo's bet, an excuse for everything he did wrong.

He wished he could believe this was a masterplan, that karma would guarantee him a happily ever after, he wished he could believe in anything. He couldn't though, God was 2D and he couldn't remember which angle showed him.

The idea of 'eternal' bothered him, too, that anything could last on this bitch of an Earth. All those 4evas carved into desks, high school sweethearts now torn apart, and they didn't care. 'Till death do us part'. However bad Dallon was, he had ended less relationships than death.

Religion is what people turn to when they haven't got anything else. This wasn't quite true for Dallon, Religion was only plan Y. Taylor was plan Z. And here Taylor was, this look in her eyes that Dallon would never forget.

Plan Z had failed him.

An// I think this might not be 'mainly fluff' anymore oops.