On your knees // Bandom

38. I have friends in holy spaces

Dallon was having a bath. His head was underwater, and he was holding himself there.

He counted the seconds. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18.- He broke free and bounced back up to the surface. Humans are buoyant. They're survivors.

The water had gone cold while he was trying not to breath. He needed to get out: Gee was coming over soon and goosebumps were starting to appear on his arms and legs.

The bathtub didn't really fit him, it was small and he was all limbs and he couldn't fit both his head and legs in the water at once. He still had baths, though, for that moment when he no longer had control of his actions and he flew up to the surface. It made him feel like he was meant to be alive.

He got out and got dressed and was careful not to write anything suicidal on the mirror lest Elle read it.

His parents had taken his sisters shopping. Taylor wanted a new years party and of course they granted her that, so he was alone in the house. Just how he liked.

The gate went just as he got downstairs, and he opened the door to welcome them in. He caught Frank kissing them goodbye at the gate, casual intimacy that he kind of missed. He missed the chaos more, he missed crying and fighting and loving. He didn't need chaste goodbyes of boyfriends.

"See you later," Gee promised Frank.
"Oh, Frank." Dallon didn't know what he was saying. "Im sorry for the dance thing. I was kind of drunk."
"Before it even started?"
"Yeah, liquid courage to go, and then I was cold walking there. I'm sorry."
"Wait, you were at the dance?" Gee asked.
"Briefly."
"Why?" Frank asked, sensing something was wrong.
"Uhh," Gee looked uncomfortable. "Some guy thought I was a girl and hit on me. He wouldn't leave until I gave him my number and shit."
"Why didn't you say?" Frank was concerned.
"I just- he asked me who I was with, and I thought maybe if I said Frank he'd hurt him, or something, but I thought you weren't there, so I said you were my boyfriend, and just hoped he'd forget before we go back. Sorry, Dall."
"Its fine." Dallon responded, automated.
"No." Frank interrupted. "Its not. I'm gonna-"
"Theres no point, babe, just leave it."

They saw Franks eyes, clouded in anger and pain and they knew he felt useless.

"Are you coming in?" Dallon asked Frank, conscious that the door was still open, letting winter air into the house.
"No, I've gotta go see my dad, but I'll pick Gee up?"
"Yeah," Gee confirmed.
They parted ways.

"So we're trying to learn the whole thing?" Gee asked, sitting down on his table. They were still wearing the black jeans they had been wearing on Christmas, but they had acquired Franks shirt and jacket along the way.

"Yeah, somehow."
"We should method act!"
"Like pretend we're married?"
"Just stay in character all day, O, Romeo."
"It would be my honour, Juliet."

Dallon remembered practicing his lines with Ryan, lying on his bed with the main lights off and his fairy-lights on, using artistic license to have the characters kiss more.

He was going to have to kiss Gee at some point, in front of their Boyfriend. Dallon didn't really care, Frank could see them making out, having fun, it didn't bother him.

He liked the idea of method acting, too. Playing the romantic hero. Foolish and reckless and driven by love, he was what Dallon wanted to be. He was the kind of role he could never fulfil.

He just wanted to forget, just for a moment, who he truly was. He wanted to get lost in this adventure. He wanted the highs and lows that Romeo had and he didn't. He wouldn't claim he wanted to die, he didn't, but he would like to not exist for just long enough that he'd faded out of memory. He'd like a fresh start, one where he didn't feel like this.